and we’re the ones that had to see a reproductive psychologist (and how i teach you about sperm)

For the past 11 days (not that we’re counting), we’ve sat at home and tried to kill time the best we can to distract ourselves from thinking about what may or may not be taking place in Amelia’s innards. That usually lasts about an hour or two before we start typing things like 10dpiui (which is code for 10 days post-intrauterine insemination) into Google and see exactly what this potential zygote is up to right now – growing legs, filing its fingernails, reciting the Gettysburg Address, whatevs.

And as we all know from spending way too much time on the internet, it’s full of nobody but dummies. With the exception of you all, of course.

I don’t really know what it was that my wife was Googling tonight and I probably don’t want to. I just know that this screenshot happened:


Granted, this was from, which I think only gets used by people that can’t spell Google, but still… These questions? Really? Let me do my part to help answer these questions about sperm, keeping in mind that I really know nothing about it, except how much it costs when you want to buy 23 million of them.

  1. What is dry sperm? Gross and dead.
  2. Is sperm nutritious? Are you gulping gallons per day? Then don’t worry about it.
  3. How to kill sperm? With tiny shivs made out of toothbrushes.
  4. Is ‘semen’ sperm? Semen contain spermatozoa, my friend. I learned that in my Biology class.
  5. Do girls sperm? … I just … why?
  6. Is sperm healthy? Pretty sure it’s low carb, so that’s a start!

And see, these people are just ladies sexin’ some bros and they have no idea about anything. And they’re the ones that end up letting their kids climb into a machine full of stuffed animals that you have to get out with a claw. Or the ones that can’t brush their own teeth without poking their eyes out with their toothbrush.

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