That’s right. A lady we don’t even know injected 23,000,000 viable sperm into my wife’s hooha and now we’re just waiting for two weeks to see if we’ll be spending money on millions and millions of additional sperm or things like cloth diapers, a car seat and co-sleeper. Either way, this is sure to be the longest two weeks of my life.
I ask Amelia a lot of questions. I mean a lot of questions. She’s a doula, has studied traditional midwifery, has had a kid, and is generally really damn smart when it comes to the fine art of babymaking. Sometimes I feel bad asking her so many questions so I try to Google things on my own, where I end up on websites like babycenter.com or holyshitiamanidiotandishouldnotreproduce.com and then I just get angry at humanity in general.
There are so many acronyms that I just get annoyed. It’s worse than LOL, BRB, LYLAS, ROFLMAO, and AFK combined, and then some. Ladies (and, yes, it’s ALL LADIES) use things like BFP and BFN when they talk about the pregnancy test results (that’s big fat positive and big fat negative) on the tests they’ve taken two seconds after they’ve had semen anywhere near them. They refer to sex as BD, which is an abbreviation for BABY DANCE. If you stumble upon a message board full of ladies trying to conceive, you’re going to find it just as confusing as reading the text messages of a 13 year old girl. And, truly, the IQs are probably both the same.
Today is technically day two of our wait. At 12:30 today, I was certain it must be Thursday of next week. No such luck. In day two, if our little biology experience inside my wife’s uterus worked as we’re hoping it did, a zygote has been formed and a sex has already been determined of our future offspring.
I’m probably going to be a terrible parent, because I’m so concerned we don’t have names picked out and OHMYGOD. And then I went to nameberry.com and felt sorry for the names that our future generations are going to get saddled with. That stupid site let’s you see what people are searching in a live feed. I sat for a good five minutes and used a lot of swear words as I watched people search for names like: Copper, Zeppelin, Nemo and Prim. Please stop searching for dog names, band names, fish names and Hunger Games names, okay? Nobody likes those.
For tomorrow, while I’m sitting in an training class about FMLA Compliance and Friday, please send as many good thoughts as you can for our little zygote to start doing some good healthy traveling through my wife’s Fallopian tube and into her uterus. Let me know if you need more biology terms. I’m totally down with sharing them with you.