how we got to where we are right now with this baby thing

I alluded yesterday to wanting to keep some of this stuff private but a bunch of y’all are on my wife’s side, so fine. Plus I like you. Most of you.

Because we can’t have a baby on accident, we’ve had to go through quite a bit before we’ve gotten to this point. It hasn’t been quite as easy as one of us just falling on a penis somewhere and winding up knocked up. Would have been convenient and a heck of a lot easier, but it just ain’t that easy for a couple of queer ladies.

First, we had to talk about it. We were both pretty up front from the beginning of our relationship that additional kids was a strong possibility. It’s kind of important when you’re two ladies in your early 30s. Since we’re kind of responsible, we pumped the brakes a little bit back in 2011 when we initially started the process.

At that time, we didn’t have doubts about having another child together; we’re good on that. We were living in a house that was owned by someone who did makeup for strippers in Minneapolis and decided to up and move to California to try her hand at doing makeup there. Needless to say, we weren’t so sure we’d be sticking in that house too long. I was also working a job that made it the norm to work 60 hours a week and management frowned upon taking vacation, which explains why I lost out on six weeks of stored up vacation when I left there. And the same job just had horrendous health benefit costs that would have broken me in half. The kid was just starting high school and we wanted to make sure he got into his groove without an issue.

Before we slowed it down, we’d done the following, most of which was required:

  • gotten a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE)
  • met with this RE and talked about our options
  • both had bloodwork done to rule out any communicable infectious diseases
  • met with a reproductive psychologist to make sure we were fit for this kind of thing

And that’s when we slowed it down. Not because we totally flunked the psych test, smart asses. In fact, she was kind of blown away with how much we’d already discussed and had planned out. Sorry, we’re not dummies, you know?

That kind of brings us up to about four or five months ago. And that’s when things started happening like creating accounts at sperm banks, getting fertility medication and seeing the inside of my wife’s cervix with two other people in the room. (And no, she would not let me take the ultrasound picture of her innards to hang on my wall at work.)


  1. Dana Epps

    Only two people in the room? When I had my twins I think there were about 15-20 and the only two I knew were my husband and my actual doctor. Believe me, once you go through this process you will have no modesty issues whatsoever. That is because EVERYONE has seen EVERYTHING! in any event, best of luck to you two in this endeavor.

  2. “met with a reproductive psychologist to make sure we were fit for this kind of thing”

    Was this particular step required? Is it normal for hetero couples to do this? I’ve never even heard of this before. Or is it only hetero couples seeking fertility treatments? I find this kind of problematic, if it’s required.

  3. Yep, it was. It’s required by anyone going through the process. I would imagine it’s probably not something that people want to share, because it’s a little awkward. It’s required for anyone that goes to our clinic. I can’t speak for other clinics, though, but our sexuality had nothing to do with it. I don’t think it’s problematic at all, at least from our experience. I don’t think you necessarily “fail” it, but having an outside individual ask you questions that you might not have thought of surrounding your situation is not at all a bad thing.

  4. Yeah, the psychologist is required of anyone who is using donor products. So, gay or straight, sperm or eggs or embryos. And it wasn’t really therapy so much as a resource information session. She didn’t try to therapize us at all. She asked us what our plans were and then gave us a list of resources. It was painless.

  5. Michele B

    I had to go through the psychologist thing when I went for fertility treatments – so it’s definitely for all couples. I’m so excited for you two though! I can’t wait to hear about little baby Wendy and Amelia! That’s going to be so amazing!!! Keep private what you feel compelled to, but please keep sharing the excitement!
    Much love~ M~

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