it’s soooo hot. how hot is it?

I’m from Missouri. In Missouri, it’s normal to see temps above 100 and humidity above a kabillion percent. Yes, in my 9 years in the Twin Cities, I’ve gotten a little spoiled in the summer. But these past few days have been perfect reminders as to why I hate Missouri summers.

It’s been so hot in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area over the last couple of days:

  1. TC Bear (the Minnesota Twins mascot) melted.
  2. A local TV station baked cookies on the dashboard of a car (which should also serve as a reminder that you’re a f’ing moron and deserved to be kicked in the gonads if you leave your dogs/kids in a parked car during the summer).
  3. “I’m hot” has become a common answer that people give me when I say, “How are you today?” over the phone.
  4. Riley refuses to go outside to pee unless you push him out there.
  5. A local weatherdouche has coined a phrase: Humigeddon. Simply translated: Prepare to sweat your balls off.
  6. I have managed to catch a cold. It’s kept me homebound for three nights, instead of visiting my friends (the treadmill, bike, elliptical and swimming pool) at the gym.
  7. The Twins’ TV guys tried to fry an egg on their desk during an afternoon game.
Twenty years ago, I was probably sitting in my parents’ house, counting on one window unit air conditioner to cool the whole house and that’s only because I’d spent the whole day riding my bike all over the town trying to find a pickup basketball game to play somewhere, seriously soaking in the heat and humidity that happens regularly in Missouri. Right now, I’m sitting in shorts and a t-shirt, enjoying the central air, and trying to figure out what I can make for dinner that doesn’t include turning on the oven.
I may bitch about the weather in the winter, like when it’s 20 below zero, but I hate that a lot less than when I can’t walk from my front porch to my car without sweating. I’m a delicate flower. I don’t like to sweat.

What's up?