two dolla

I couldn’t not share this Craig’s List ad with you all. I’ve pasted the whole thing here, because I might need to come back and laugh about it one day.

How do you know if your hamster is a retard?

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Reply to: anon-167463360@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-06-02, 10:32PM CDT

When he runs in his wheel he always sticks his head out of one side of it so the bar hits him on the top of his head over and over and over as it goes around. what is wrong with him? I keep expecting to see a big sore on the top of his head, but he’s been doing it for weeks and I don’t see anything. Is this normal? Is he just stupid, or is there something wrong with him?

Thanks.

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My horoscope today:

No matter how hard you try to stay focused, others seem to distract you from your chores. As the day progresses, you might just decide to leave your obligations unfinished so you can pursue your weekend plans a bit early. Don’t be hard on yourself if you feel irresponsible. You aren’t escaping, just postponing; you will still have to complete your work later on.

This isn’t really just my daily horoscope, but more like my lifelong one. And it is escaping. And I like it.

My Google calendar says I’m busy all weekend. There’s the gym and a quick run to the vet to pick up more drugs for Rileypants tonight. Tomorrow is finishing up our 3 Day garage sale tomorrow, a professional photo shoot with Rileypants, and a birthday party for Eric. Sunday says it’s time for the Grand Old Day parade and a trip to the gym. Neato.

I very much want to see The Break Up. The reviews are horrible, from what I’ve read, but they haven’t discouraged me from going to see it one bit. I think, as a justice to all of you who read this, I should go see it tonight just so I can properly review it for you. I’m nice like that.

Today’s June 1st. Like everyone else and their overweight mothers, I’m wiping the slate clean and starting over. Who cares that I drank a ton of pop while in Missouri over the Memorial Day weekend and who cares that I had Arby’s for lunch yesterday, because I can’t change it now. What I can change is the future.

How many times have you read the same thing on this same site? No more pop, no more eating after 8:30, trips to the gym at least 5 times a week.

The crappy diet and the half-ass walks I give my Riley Pants aren’t really giving me any results. The awesome weightlifting is of course boosting my metabolism and “builing a base upon which you can train harder”, according to The Gym Buddyâ„¢. I love lifting weights and don’t plan on neglecting that at all.

We’re kicking up the cardio and I’m dedicating myself to picking the gym over things like softball and reality TV shows. A grocery trip in the near future should set me right for a while and prevent me from getting dinner anywhere else.

Neat how I can pump myself up, huh? The way I look at it - I’ve got The 3 Day coming up in the middle of August, a trip to the Bronx with Joe Mauer over Labor Day, and a good 60+ years that I should probably be healthy for.

So, this is me trying it on my own. And by “on my own”, I mean with the support of my awesome friends and the willingness of all of you to sit and read the inane drivel that will surely make its way here.

Call it public humiliation. Call it a desperate plea for accountability. I just like to call it me being even more awesome than usual.

My next door neighbor has been pounding on her apartment door for the past 45 minutes trying to get whoever is inside to wake up and answer the door. Everyone on the entire floor can surely hear it. The pounding stopped for a few minutes, but only resumed when she’d walked outside and started banging on the bedroom window. That didn’t wake anyone up, so she’s back to pounding on her front door - the one that’s conveniently located just next to my bedroom.

You know how every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings?  Yeah, well, every time a door is knocked, an extremely tired dog goes into a barking frenzy that’s sure to piss off everyone.

One would think that between the lady’s constant knocking and screaming, and my dog’s barking, the person she’s trying to wake up would wonder what the hell is going on. Or he could be dead.

It’s good to be home.

My cousin posted led me to this. Because I don’t have an adorable two-year-old to post videos of (like she does), you get videos of an almost one-year-old boxer puppy named Little Riley Fancypants:

There’s this one, where he first met the water hose.

And then there’s this one, too.

Today, along with my water bill for the month, I got the title of my car. That bastard is now officially paid off. I think that means it’s time to look for a new car. BUT I’M NOT. Yet.

Now I’m about to embark on an eight hour drive to The Sedalia. Not too happy about leaving this late, but really, what can I do besides slam 9 Red Bulls and make some new playlists? Yeah, not a lot.

Dear Riley:
While you are my puppy and I love you so, it’s kind of unacceptable to shred my work notebook while I’m playing softball. Back to the kennel for you.

Love,
Me

Team Boobylicious hit a couple of big goals this afternoon. We hit our original goal of 12 team members, so we did what any good co-captains would do. We set a new goal of 15 team members.

And even more exciting feat? We crossed over the $20,000 mark on donations. Un-freaking-believable. Our team goal of $30,000 is absolutely attainable. My personal goal of $2500 is also definitely in reach.

Of course I could come up with a whole list of things of why this year’s 3 Day is making me so proud, but the main one now? Our team has managed to recruit nine more people to help raise money and awareness in the fight against breast cancer.

Jenni and I are going to try to recruit even more people next Saturday. We’re volunteering at the next 3 Day Expo.

When I think about how much work I’ve put into fundraising, training, and spreading the word about the walk and why I’m walking, I really feel like this is the most important thing in my life right now. It fills me with pride and happiness and dignity and nobility. Who knew charity could be so self-fulfilling?
(You people would be so proud if you knew how hard it was for me to make this post without sharing any of the negativity that some of our team members bring to each and every event.)

It’s pretty regular for me to think of names that I could have christened my dog with, but each time I look at him, I don’t think he could be called anything other than Little Riley Fancy Pants. Or Pantsy. Dare I tell you all that Clay was one of the names in the running? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Speaking of American Idol…
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• It’s 74⁰ right now and I’m sweating. I’m screwed when I go to Missouri this weekend, where it’s supposed to be up in the 90s.
• American Idol? Should go to Taylor. Kat sounded not so good. I tried voting. A lot. But I never got through.
• I’m back to easily benching 85lbs. This may not seem like a lot, but it will be when I punch you in the face.
• I have an appointment in an hour for the awesome plantar fasciitis that’s back in action. I’m asking for a steroid shot, because I love me some ‘roid rage.
• When I called to make an appointment to have my plantar fasciitis looked at, the appointment scheduling person didn’t know how to spell plantar fasciitis. So, instead, she just wrote “foot pain”. Cute.
• I’m supposed to be making a website for our class reunion. Ask me how far I’ve gotten. Wait. Don’t.
• 2 hour season finale of Lost tonight. Once The Apprentice is over, there’s nothing but baseball for me to watch all summer. That sounds awesome.