a year ago today, i was excited about 23 million sperm

The past couple of weeks, I’ve been checking out my TimeHop and noticing that it’s involved a lot of steps up that resulted in this baby I’ve got hanging around my house now.

Things like this happened:





And then exactly 365 days ago, my wife was in a doctor’s office with her feet up in stirrups while another lady put 23 million sperm inside her. I would imagine not many of you can say that same sentence, nor would you want to.

I’ve been getting updates for the past month of our 2014 that started out involving things like hormone shots and Ultrasounds and, my personal favorite, buying a giant dry-ice cooled thermos  full of sperm. Going through the whole process was tedious and daunting. There were numbers like less than 20% of women with PCOS (which Amelia has) are able to get pregnant on their first try with the type of insemination we used (IUI) when they’re over the age of 30 (which Amelia is). And then there was the statistic of it usually taking at least 3 attempts at IUI for it to actually work. Those aren’t what I’d really call positive numbers.

But, now, thanks to modern science, an incredibly efficient doctor and nurse practitioner AND a little help from whatever higher power you believe in (God for us), we now have a little miracle of a boy in our house growing like a weed every single day. It was meant to be is such a cliche but tell me that it wasn’t. I won’t believe you, but you can try to tell me.

This guy seems to be pretty happy it all worked out, too.

a rundown of my january 25ths for the past 8 years

  • 2007: I had the flu.
  • 2008: Apartment-shopping to finally move from the suburbs into the city.
  • 2009: We were having dinner at a friend’s house.
  • 2010: I got a pair of brand new sneakers for $20 and was very excited about it.
  • 2011: I’d forgotten how to blog about anything.
  • 2012: I was in the middle of loving Drake and packing to move into our current house. We were fostering our last set of puppies.
  • 2013: Again with the forgetting the blog thing. I did manage to take a picture of some pals at happy hour.
  • 2014: Amelia and I saw The Dan Band in Minneapolis. Highly recommended, by the way.
  • 2015: I had a headache until about 3pm, am nursing what I’m scared might be a torn rotator cuff and went grocery shopping with my wife and 11 week old baby.

Thanks to TimeHop, I noticed late last week that about one year go today is when, holy shit, our lives were just about to get a whole lot more crazy. And, of course, all that was for the better. This 13 pound, 25 inch little ball of drool that just turned 11 weeks old last week has definitely changed my life and, thanks to him, I don’t think I’ll ever look at anything in the same light again.

top 3 ways to get your colicky baby to stfu

Relax. I say STFU like I saw OMG or LOL. So, never.

Here are some very researched and tested (nope – neither of those) tips on how I got Junior to look at the back of his eyelids for more than 85 seconds since I’ve been home from work.

1. Feed, change diaper, change clothes, take temperature, quietly threaten in a whisper.

2. Rock every which way you can think of and then start making up other ways. Caution: don’t rock hard enough to cause permanent injury and/or death.

3. Keep trying. It’ll happen. That little vermin is desperate for you to figure out what’s wrong, so don’t get all mad at them. You’re the one without the soft spot in your head so don’t give up on the them!

Eventually, you’ll wind up with this end result:


2014 was the year of ignoring this blog

And in my 2014 wrap up, I was all – I SHOULD WRITE MORE. So, here we go.

After much more thought and we’re talking over 24 hours here, I started to think of many more things that I wish I would have done more of last year. And instead of sitting around wishing I would have done more, here’s my list of things to do more of in 2015. (I’ll tell you about the conveyor belt in my head one day when we sit down for nachos and a beer or two. Hell, if you want to meet up for nachos and a beer or two, I’ll tell you whatever damn story you want to hear if I’m being completely honest…)

  • Staying caught up on photos instead of letting them hang out on my memory card for years at a time (not an exaggeration).
  • Seeing more movies, both at home and in the theater.
  • Blogging more.
  • Being a tourist in my own city. It’s too big to not do that, you know?
  • Sending birthday cards.
  • Doin’ projects and makin’ shit. Must burn creative energy.
  • Eating more nachos with strangers and friends.

And, for all of you visual folks, here – look at this:


I don’t know if that little dude will remember his great grandparents, but even if he doesn’t, he’ll have so many pictures and videos to look back on, he’ll at least know how much they loved him. I might have to explain to him that his great grandpa didn’t really want to kill him in this photo, but I’m sure he’ll understand.

2014 is a wrap and, holy bones, it was a busy one

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before? (I had to change this to Top 10 because holy crap, this was a heck of a year of firsts!)

  • Ordered sperm over the phone and later picked up a giant vile (I know it’s vial, but still… vile.) of sperm from the cryobank and delivered it to the hospital
  • Stayed at a cabin in the middle of winter with pals
  • Taught an interviewing class at a high school in St. Paul
  • Found out we would be having a baby and welcomed our son into the world
  • Met Veronica in person after knowing her for 10+ years
  • Went to South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana and North Dakota
  • Saw a Broadway show and was in the same room as Neil Patrick Harris
  • Ran(ish) a 5K
  • Celebrated my grandpa’s 90th birthday with him
  • Graduated with my AA with a 4.0 GPA

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Unsubscribe. I don’t know when I made new years’ resolutions last. All I want to do every year is be the best person I can be and not be scared to try new things.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
MY WIFE. Joe and Missy, Brandon and Rose, my co-worker Becky.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Our friend Kristin, my great aunt Ida (she was 100!), my great aunt Diane, my great uncle Kenneth and my friend Shawn’s mom. The latter I didn’t meet, but I know how she raised her daughter and that means she must have been pretty terrific.

5. What countries did you visit?
‘Merica. And this tiny town in Montana that I swear looked like another country, similar to what one might see on Lord of the Flies.

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
More vacations and travel. Amelia and I have come to the conclusion that we’re awesome traveling partners and we should probably exploit that more. I wish I would have had more time to do yard stuff and do things when the weather was nice.

7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 6 – MY BABY’S BIRTHDAY. You guys… I haven’t blogged in 6+ weeks because I feel like that’s the one post I need to do before I talk about how amazing he is right now, but I don’t have time because all I want to do when I get home is hold him and I’m not giving that up to tell you all about that.

October 11 – Amelia, Ash and I went to Sedalia just for the weekend and we spent our entire day with my grandparents, just talking and looking at pictures. Then, we took my grandpa out for dinner that night to celebrate his 90th birthday a couple of days early and he was so silly and goofy and it was truly an amazing day with him.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

  • Ozzy B.
  • I also got my Associate’s Degree with a 4.0 GPA and didn’t drop a single class.
  • I also managed to get an A and a B+ my first semester of my Bachelor’s Degree, which also coincided with the birth of my son. I’m not mad about that B+.
  • Aaaaaand, I got my degree program approved, which means I basically got to pick all of the classes I want to take.
  • And Katie talked me in to running a 5K. I didn’t run the whole thing, but I finished in under an hour and that’s all I cared about.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Getting to work on time every day. I really want to. I do. I just haven’t figured out a way to make myself do it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I sprained my ankle bad enough to warrant an air cast, but I ran a 5K two weeks later, so it wasn’t all that serious.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our tickets to Hedwig on Broadway. Our new car. Everything baby-related.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My wife’s. During her entire pregnancy and delivery of our son, she was amazing. She exuded (and still does) strength and compassion and love the entire time and it blew my mind every single day.

Our friends and family that were so incredibly supportive after Oslo was born, bringing us meals and visiting and really helping us through a time that ended up being much more difficult than we had really expected. You people! Our best friends, our chosen family, our casual acquaintances, our former roommates, our pals we’d only known online until then – thank you. Thank you so much.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Racists. Bigots. People that believe everything they read on the internet or see on FoxNews, which just in turns makes them so ignorant I can’t even stand it. A corrupt system in America that doesn’t seem to care about the large scale disparities every single community experiences.

14. Where did most of your money go?
School loans and our new car. Baby stuff. Rent.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
OSLO. And my degree. Our family road trip and our grownup vacation to New York City.

16. What song will always remind you of 2014?
That stupid “All About the Bass” song is the only one I can even think of this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) Fatter or thinner: Fatter
b) Richer or poorer: Richer
c) Happier or less happy: Happier

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Writing. Cooking. Random things our city has to offer.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being lazy and eating crap.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
In Sedalia, introducing Ozzy to part of his family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2014?
Have you seen my baby’s face?? And one thing is for certain – when you see your partner as a parent, you fall in love so much more that it’s insane.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Broad City? I think we started watching it this year. And Modern Family is always my favorite.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don’t hate people. I just hate attitudes.

24. What was the best book you read?
I’m finishing Gone Girl and I really love it. Pretty sure between school and baby, that’s the only book I actually read and that’s including my text books. Oops.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery of 2014?
I honestly can’t think of anything!

26. What did you want and get?
My baby.

27. What did you want and not get?
A promotion. I’m not mad about it. I just always want one!

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
The latest Hunger Games movie, but only because I can’t think of any others I’ve seen.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 36. Katie organized a bowling party for me and it was awesome. We were also in the midst of waiting to see if our baby had a heartbeat in utero or not and it was so trying, but my friends made it a great day regardless.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Personal acceptance for who I am from one particular person. Why do we always seek approval from that one person that never seems to give it? Thank you, insurance, for providing me with the ability to see a therapist intermittently.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Jeans. T-shirts. Thermals. Oxfords and vests/sweaters. Bitchin’ socks. That’s it. I want Jordans for 2015, dammit.

32. What kept you sane?
My wife. My work. My friends. As always, Riley.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Your mom. And while I don’t ever use the word fancy, I’m so pleased at the way Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are handling the way their oldest child wants to explore gender roles. Learn from that, people.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Inequality, the rights that women should get to have over their own bodies.

35. Who did you miss?
My grandma. I know she would have loved Oslo.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
My son. More new co-workers. Our doula, Alyssa. Melissa, from the internet!, who was also with us for 24 hours while we were in the hospital – helping us in ways we didn’t even expect. The midwives at HCMC.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014:
Understand that your expectations for other people are more than likely unattainable and you’re just going to get disappointed pretty much every time. Lower those expectations and you’ll be surprised.

Let’s kick 2015’s ass, okay?