Published May 14th, 2017 by

CLICK BAIT!

But since you’re here, let me share my expert advice on all of the important parenting things I’ve had to deal with in my many, many, many years (2.5 to be exact) of experience. Feel free to email my PR department if you’d like a copy of my resume, qualifications and references.

PLEASE HELP! What should I do when my child won’t: 

  • Sleep through the night
  • Gain weight
  • Latch
  • Stop biting
  • Sleep in their own bed
  • Meet all of the recommended things that the internet tells them to meet
  • Say the words you want them to say
  • Stop putting things in their mouth
  • Quit hitting the people that raise him
  • Keep their hands out of their diaper
  • Stop having meltdowns in public
  • Sit down and eat a meal at any given point of the day
  • Recite the population of the second largest city in every state
  • (Insert whatever parenting issue you’re dealing with right this very second)

RECOMMENDED SOLUTION:

Here’s your one easy step. Do your best, man. That’s the most important thing you need to do.

Everyone in the world is going to have advice. Everyone. I have received both requested and unsolicited parenting advice from the following:

  • Family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, someone I think maybe I’m related to somehow?)
  • Friends (ones with little kids, older kids and even no kids)
  • Co-Workers 
  • Medical Professionals (doctors, nurses, receptionists, lactation consultants, etc.)
  • Retail and Service Industry Employees 
  • Everyone on the Internet (like everyone – you don’t even have to know them)

It’s cool to ask for advice. It feels good that typically someone will get what you’re going through. And it’s also not going to feel good sometimes when you get answers that fill you with the rage of 1,000 angry bumblebees.

You’ll probably run in to a doctor who chastises you for letting your kid look at pictures on your phone while you’re waiting for his strep throat test to come back because, “Oh, screen time, huh?” Lest you be judged, lady. Lest you be judged.

And, Target employee, I’mma pretend you didn’t just ask me why my kid was out so late. I’ll give you three reasons: Don’t. You. Worry.

In Summary

It’s Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day if you’re celebrating it today. Sure, moms, today is your day according to the calendar and the greeting card industry. Maybe you’re getting a bit of a reprieve since everyone’s supposed to be on their best behavior on this Day of the Mom. Maybe your two year old is actually wearing pants, isn’t saying “help, mama” every 10 seconds and isn’t using a three foot long train track as a drumstick while all you’re trying to do is catch up on Lip Sync Battle. Either way is okay and you’re okay.

You’re better than okay. You’re doing a job that’s really, really hard. Nobody else is doing it the same way as you are and nobody’s more right than you. The best thing that you can do as a parent, and even as a person, is to just do your best. You got this.

Published April 24th, 2017 by

These pictures were on my phone, you guys. I seriously have a problem!

Towards the end of April, one of my co-workers says her 30 day challenge for the month of April is going to be not to drink soda. I posted about it on Facebook.

And I totally sent her a screenshot of my Facebook post because I didn’t want someone to be all, “ooooooh, Wendy’s talking about you on Facebook!” and the good news is that she did in fact say soda, but now I’m catching myself saying pop, too, and I don’t remember what it is that I actually say most of the time.

Anyway, it’s now the 24th and I’m still soda free. I’ve had caffeine, because I’m not some kind of savage and I want my friends, family and co-workers to not want to slap me in the mouth.

I had a moment of panic when Ozzy and I went through the McDonald’s drive thru after the two of us went to the zoo and did you know McDonald’s doesn’t have lemonade? I mean, what kind of world are we living in.  I had ORANGE DRINK. It’s the same orange drink they used to have at our elementary school parties back in the 80s and it’s very possible the ORANGE DRINK I had a couple of weeks ago was made back then, too.

I was talking about it today and again this past weekend because you’re damn right I’ll toot my own horn when I’m 24 days into a challenge to anyone that will listen or anyone that doesn’t want to listen. When this whole 30 days started, I had grand plans of either shotgunning can after can of Mountain Dew in the break room at work or just straight up chugging 2 liters at my desk. With only six days to go, that’s not really the case anymore.

I mean, yes, I desperately miss the delicious flavor of Mountain Dew. It’s like the nectar of the gods and, when your dad works for Pepsi, it’s something you’ve been drinking for as long as you can remember. Plus, the 80s, you know? And there will never be anything quite like drinking an ice cold Coke right out of the can. Just don’t tell my dad about that part.

However, I’m sleeping more soundly (yay!), drinking more water (when I actually remember to drink, so there’s still work on this one…) and not spending money on stupid sodas all the time. I wish there was an app for how many sodas I haven’t poured down my throat in the past 24 hours per day and how much I’ve saved by not doing. (I know there’s one for smoking!)

Will I be soda free forever? Nah. Probably not. Will I feel the need to stop at the vending machine at work EVERY time I walk through the break room now? No, not unless they get a better flavor of La Croix in that bad boy, because who wants that lemon crap. I know I won’t ever switch to diet because that shit is nasty and I promise I’ve really tried to like it.

In my near drinking future, I see plenty of lemonade, which our toddler calls YEMEN.

And as soon as this 32 degree weather leaves this week, I’m going to stock our garage mini fridge with Summer Shandy and some delicious cider.

 

Published April 21st, 2017 by

Ozzy has been going to basketball games since he was seven months old. We always said we weren’t going to push any sports in him, but the Minnesota Lynx don’t count in that little rule of ours. As it turns out, he’s crazy about basketball, or GO GO as he calls it. Like legit crazy. He practices at home every night and plays with our awesome daycare provider’s 12 year old son anytime he gets a chance. With all that, we were pretty excited to take him to the Harlem Globetrotters game last weekend. 


He wasn’t so sure at first. 

There were the standard Globetrotters antics that are possibly the same ones they’ve been using for years, but still just as entertaining. That kind of thing was lost on this little 2.5 year old. But then the action started right after I got back from the souvenir stand. He doesn’t mess around once the ball is in play. 


He was most impressed with all the slam dunks. Who wouldn’t be? I have a feeling we might need to buy a backup hoop for when he slams the one we have into the ground that final time. I can’t wait to take him again when he’s older. 


For now, a couple of hours of basketball hijinx that happens right over naptime is pretty exhausting.