Let’s examine the past, shall we?

The first championship team I remember really following was the Kansas City Royals. When it’s the closest sports team to where you live your entire childhood, it seems automatic. It was 1985 and the Royals were playing the St. Louis Cardinals. Huge bleeping deal for the entire state, right? I was in second grade. When I was standing in the corner for talking too much (this happened daily), then I was sitting across from the one Cardinals fan in my entire class. The Royals, of course won, and my Cardinals fan classmate would go on to be one of my playground fight targets throughout elementary school before he shot me in the wrist with a BB gun at close range. Don’t worry. I called his mom to let her know. The Royals, after that big win, would later familiarize themselves very well with last place. Regularly. They’re still in my list of top five baseball teams.

Fast forward five years. I’m in 7th grade. I’m playing basketball on a team that went 1-5107. We beat the Leeton Junior High Bulldogs. You know who wasn’t losing? The Chicago Bulls. I kept stats on notebook paper of every single game I could watch on WGN. We’re talking hash marks for points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks, etc. I wasn’t messing around. I had more Chicago Bulls swag than any kid in mid-Missouri should probably ever had and rocked my jerseys hard all the way through the Jordan era ended for the second time. I tried following them after their championship years, but when Toni Kukock is your star player and you can’t find a coach to save your life, it makes it hard for a kid, you know?

I jumped on the Minnesota Twins bandwagon hard and fast when I moved here. Some years, it’s been way awesome and we’ve landed in the playoffs. I’ve been. Every year. And watched the eventual demise in the first round. Every year. Usually at the hand of the Billionaires. Here we are with this gorgeous, gorgeous stadium and all I want to do is watch some outside baseball from there in October. I’ll keep holding out for it. Don’t worry.

Oh, and you knew this was coming. Now? The Minnesota Lynx. I’ve been going to games since, I think, 2005ish? I don’t remember completely, but I do know there have been some BOOTY seasons. Last place here, second to last there. I’ve seen it. But I’m nowhere near going anywhere. Like most Minnesota teams, it takes forever and a day to build a line up that’s healthy and knows how to play together. Now that it’s here, my head might explode. We’re playing for the WNBA Championship tonight.

Tonight is the only night we can go. And we’ll be there so hard. We’re headed out of town the night of Game 2, then they play in Atlanta. Game 5 will be in Minneapolis. As much as I’d love to see the championship won on our court, I’d much rather have it taken care of in less than five games. So, let’s do it, Lynx. Let’s bring it on home!

I went to my 3rd Twins game of the year this afternoon, thanks to some tickets I got from work on Friday. I didn’t do anything special, other than putting my name in the drawing, but the email I sent to do that did take a lot of work.

We were in row seven, but there ended up being two rows in front of us and it was the section where someone comes to take your order during the game. We had to hike up the stairs to get our sundaes that come in baseball caps, but the people below us? They got their Dome Dogs and $4 bottles of water delivered for free.

Francisco Liriano pitched six shutout innings in his first game since being brought up from AAA. The Twins won 6-2 and the Royals beat the White Sox 14-3, which means the Twins are leading the division.

And here are some pictures I took during the game:

I have about 405 posts I want to make about sports, but I keep finding other things to write about.

The Dugout makes me cry. The folks there generate IM conversations between baseball players. I know, I know. It doesn’t sound funny. BUT IT IS. My favorites as of late have featured new Twins player Delmon Young – a discussion between he and his brother about the liquid refreshment options they have and when he talks about living in dank ass Minnesota and playing in the “huh-huh-huh metradomez”. It’s perfect for nerds that love baseball – more than perfect.

Pat Neshek, who needs to learn the fine art of permalinks, it wise as ever with his advice on how to write to ball players. “In a perfect world my favorite letter would be “What’s up Pat, I know you are busy, just wanted you to sign this card if you have time!” And Pat Neshek, stop using comic sans on your blog!

And finally, if a player has an ERA of 11.42, it’s time to send him back to the minors. I don’t care if it’s Jesus Christ Jr. pitching for the Yankees. There’s nobody that I would keep in a major league lineup pitching like that.

It’s been one week since my last baseball game. Okay, it was my first baseball game of the season and it just happened to also be Opening Day (for America) in baseball. We grabbed a pile of seats in between left and center field, which couldn’t have been a more perfect place to sit for Torii Hunter’s return to the Metrodome.

I should back up a bit and introduce the game properly, I suppose. We gathered at Matty B’s Urban Bar and Grill for pregame drinks. We couldn’t tailgate outside like we’d wanted because of, you know, the snowstorm. Our waitress had a badonkadonk and I had $1.75 beers, so baseball season was obviously off to a good start, at least for me. And on the three or four block walk over to the Huh Huh Huh Metrodome, we had a snowball fight. That stadium without a roof just sounds more and more exciting.

We got down to our seats just in time for the starting lineups, which I was a little excited about. When they announced Hunter as the starting centerfielder for the Angels, there wasn’t exactly as welcoming of a response as I’d hoped. I was starting to get a little nervous for Torii!

Mainly for posterity, this was the Twins starting lineup:

Carlos Gomez    CF
Joe Mauer    C
Michael Cuddyer    RF
Justin Morneau    1B
Delmon Young    LF
Craig Monroe    DH
Mike Lamb (Nick Punto)    3B
Brendan Harris    2B
Adam Everett    SS
Livan Hernandez    SP
Pat Neshek    RP
Joe Nathan    CP

I wanna come back and check that in about 3 months.

Since he’s later in the batting lineup, Hunter took the field before he got up to bat. When he ran into the outfield, pretty much everyone around us stood up and the most exciting standing ovation I’d been a part of since we saw the Celtics bring Kevin Garnett back to the Target Center earlier this year. I got goosebumps, the hairs on my arms stood up, and I almost cried. Over a multi-million dollar making baseball player! He patted his heart a couple of times and then pointed to all of us.

Maybe I wouldn’t have cared if it were someone I didn’t like or someone that was as boring as, oh, I don’t know Beautiful Man Mauer or Mounty Morneau, but Hunter is just a little more special to me. When he wore #48 for the Twins, he’d sacrifice his body against brick walls and he’d laugh when the Twins were winning. He had a personality and an aura around him that just made it impossible not to love the guy. Now, was I happy when Joe Nathan struck him out in the 9th inning? Oh hell yes.

The Twins looked pretty exciting for the first game of the season and for a lineup that had more new guys then it did returning Twins players. We’ve got to have the most vanilla infield in all of the majors. They all sound like guys that grew up down the street from me, and they kinda look like it too. We need some intimidation somewhere besides behind the plate. I’m sure everyone gets intimidated by those sideburns. Who wouldn’t?

I should write more about the Twins, because I have some opinions. Okay, fine, I have lots of opinions.

Since the Twins have somehow managed to lose the biggest chunk of their recognizable talent, they’ve resorted to things like this to advertise for the upcoming season:

I miss you, Torii. And Johan. A lot.

Just because I can’t find your name in the phone book, fine sir, does not mean that I won’t find a way to track you down and say mean things to you. (Smith, for those if you not in the know, took over as the Minnesota Twins General Manager this past season when Terry Ryan "resigned")

Order of business for Bill, so far, must be as follows:

1. Piss of all the fans.
2. Oops. Never mind. There’s only 1.

Torii Hunter’s contract comes up, and Bill balks on it all. What happens? Torii’s playing for the LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Angels.

Secondly? He trades Matt Garza (who probably would have been a starter this year), Jason Bartlett (the shortstop in 07, but would have had to fight to keep his starting gig in 08), and a prospect pitcher named Eduardo, who was rocking pretty good in Fort Meyers. Who do we get from Tampa Bay? Delmon Young (runner up for AL Rookie of the Year last year), Brendan Harris (who played 2nd base last year) and a minor leaguer named Jason Pridie. (all the details are here)

I’m kind of excited about Young – a young, successful outfielder for the Twins? It just means that when it’s time for his contract to be renewed, we’ll lose him. So, let’s not get too attached. He’s only 22, though, which means the Twins Front Office won’t be kicking him out the door on his aging (in their opinion) ass until a couple of years into the new stadium. I’m rather intrigued with his history of being suspended to due rage and violence, but with Torii gone now, we need someone that will show an emotion other than a polite grin and nod.

What is that? And the off-season rumor mill is stacked with ideas of Santana going to the Yankees for Melky Cabrera and a pile of pitching propects, or to Boston for the same type of deal. Prospects do not equal Cy Young awards, shitheads. I’m not understanding the logic behind this offseason so far at all. Not one single bit.

I don’t like memorizing all new jersey numbers, batting stances, and running styles before every season. Did you ever see the Yankees sign 650 new people prior to a season and then win the Series? Nope, and they even PAY their players.

I’m mad at the Twins. But really I’m just mad at Bill Smith. You’re on my list. pal.

I got a call this morning on my cell phone from Mitch, who was calling from the Minnesota Twins. For five seconds I got excited. I thought maybe they’d seen my resume and wanted me to, you know, manage the team or be the person that stretches Joe Mauer before every game. Yeah, no such luck.

Mitch was calling to ask if I’d seen the plans for the new stadium (I have) and if I had given any thought to purchasing a season ticket package this year to make sure that I’d get first choice of my season tickets in the new stadium (I had not). Because he’s a salesman, he asked why I hadn’t given any though to purchasing a season ticket package. Sigh.

Oh, Mitch.

I told him I had no interest in committing my money to the Twins for 81 games in 2008, mainly because the Twins seemed to have no interest in committing their money to any of the talented players that need better contracts.

What’s up now, Mitch?

I know it’s not his fault that the Twins payroll wallet is only a tiny bit bigger than my own, but it didn’t seem as entertaining to say "Oooh, I’m gonna have to pass. See, I don’t have a job and if I did, I’m pretty sure I still couldn’t afford season tickets."

He thanked me for taking his call and hung up the phone.

I’m glad the Red Sox won the series. They’re my #2 team, so I’m a happy camper. Especially since my #1 team (the Twins) happen to be the most disorganized, backwards acting team in the world right now.

They extended Joe Nathan‘s contract for another year – $6 million for another year as the closer. Never mind we’ve got this fantastic relief pitcher named Pat Neshek that didn’t even make $400,000 last year. Yeah, Nathan’s proven himself for the past few years, but Neshek could do the job. He didn’t have the greatest last half of the season this year, but it’s not like there was anyone else on the Twins roster that deserved to be in the post-season. Besides Torii Hunter.

Speaking of Torii Hunter… The Twins have 15 days to talk Carl Pohlad into opening up his wallet and doing what they can to resign the most awesome player on the entire team. He’s 32 and wants a five year deal; basically, that kinda leads me to believe he wants to retire with the Twins. He’s the freakin’ spokesperson of the Twins. Nobody else on the roster has enough personality or passion to deal with the media on a day-to-day basis. If they don’t sign up, then what? We lose a player people love watching and we’ll wind up with another season where we all complain about how we need some hitters in the line up.

It doesn’t make much sense to me, but then again, this could probably be why I don’t work in the Twins front office. Or anywhere for that matter.

While I’m glad my second favorite baseball team kicked some pretty good ass last night, I still can’t stop thinking about what the Twins are going to do with Torii Hunter.

"I’m kind of disappointed, but what can you do?" Hunter told the St. Paul Pioneer Press. "That’s my home team; I want to be with my home team. But there are no talks, no progress at all. It’s still the same. But there’s still a lot of time left."

He doesn’t hit the most homeruns in the league or steal more bases than anyone else, but I’m okay with that. When have the Twins ever had someone like that, right?

Here’s the thing. We need him. Sure, Joe Mauer’s got hot side burns, a great ass, and the local charm. And Justin Morneau’s got a great bat and is usually consistent playing first base. Those guys are great, but we have absolutely nobody that has any heart at all if Torii Hunter’s not on the team.

I have a proposal. I realize he turned down a $15 million contract offer from the Twins already, but that maybe if we all write strongly worded letters to the Twins front office and send Torii Hunter nice cards telling him now much we love him, he’ll change his mind and let the tight-ass Twins front office make monthly payments to him. I think this is gonna work.

Yesterday was Stitch n’ Pitch at the Metrodome. I had no intentions whatsoever in stitching anything during the game, but my homies were going to a Twins game, so of course I was going to go. Little did I realize some thread and a needle would have been handy during the game to actually stitch some peoples mouths shut and their butts to their seats. And trust me, if you look at the button I sewed onto my camouflage shorts, you don’t want me anywhere near you with a needle and some thread.

Based on my observations from yesterday’s game, I realized the following (man, this is like a science experiment):

• Knitters under the age of 25 love Joe Mauer almost as much as they love sewing shit or whatever it is they do with their yarn and sticks.
• Cross-stitching only seemed awesome after Cindi told my I could cross-stitch bad words; a puppy hiding in some grass doesn’t seem as fun as “Home Sweet Fucking Home”.
• Husbands of knitters are used to getting poked in the head with knitting sticks, according to the guy sitting in front of Cindi.
• The people that were doing the stitching while Matty Garza was doing the pitching? They really wanted to be on TV and/or the JumboTron. A lot.

That being said, the Twins played like crap yesterday. Their infield made some horrible throws, and when they weren’t overthrowing first base, the first baseman (who will remain nameless Justin Morneau) seems to forget that he can move to his right to stop a ground ball. One incredible dive for the ball by Jason Kubel should have been inspiring for the rest of the team to get their uniforms dirty, but they weren’t really thinking along those same lines.

I’m gonna need Terry Ryan to pull his head out of the sand and get some shuffling going on to the Twins lineup. At this point, I don’t even care who it is because anyone could inspire the lineup that played yesterday to try a little harder and do a little better.