I came upstairs to go to bed and our bedroom TV was blaring The 700 Club, complete with Pat Robertson telling me I could put my hand over my nose and my sinus issues would be all healed up. I’m not holding my breath on that one.

And here’s the other thing. I can’t make myself turn the channel. The remote is all the way on the other side of the… bed. But if I changed the channel, I’d miss some lady reading questions that people have written or emailed into the show and Pat Robertson answering them. Right now, they’re joking around about Elijah and seances. I clearly missed that part of the Bible.

I’m totally going to have nightmares tonight.

I can honestly say that if anything ever goes awry in my career and/or life, I’m totally taking up drug dealing. It worked for Nancy Botwin in Weeds and it’s working for Walter White in Breaking Bad. And by working, of course, I mean there might be a  few mishaps (i.e. murders, explosions, near death experiences), but at least it’s entertaining, right?

We’ve been on a TV show kick as of late. We’re finally caught up with Sons of Anarchy and decided to start something else. Instant Netflix provided us with Breaking Bad. I’m excited to see where it’ll go from the first two episodes.

The first time I came back from Fort Lauderdale, I started watching CSI: Miami. I just wanted some way to see palm trees and blue waters in the middle of the winter.

When The General moved in, she got me hooked on Law & Order: SVU. Big time. And most recently, I’m a little bit crazy about Criminal Minds.

And what tends to happen is that I start combining all of the shows together. I feel like Horatio Caine and his super douchey sunglasses should be meeting up with Stabler and Benson in Quantico to help the Behavioral Analysis Unit figure out some serial killer’s patterns.

Is that how dirty fan fiction gets started? Because Delko and Morgan would kind of make a hot little gay couple.

Tonight I decided that The General and I should catch up on The Amazing Race since we haven’t watched it yet and the episodes are dating back to early February. Within the first 15 minutes I was already angry at the show.

Now as many times as I’ve watched a season or even just an episode, there have been an abundance of things that have not changed and will not change. Oh, and I shall gladly list them for you.

1) You will inevitably be going to a country where English is not the primary language and likely not even spoken. Do yourself a favor and learn some basic vocabulary. Taxi, bus, airport, which way – these are things that will benefit you. I promise.

2) Sometimes in these magical far off countries, cultures will be different. If a cab driver doesn’t understand you when you are talking very loudly in broken English, yet you get pissed off and throw a little American temper tantrum, you’re making yourself look like a gian douchbag. Congratulations.

3) One of the two of you should either know how to do or learn how to do one of the following: drive a stick shift, know the cardinal directions, easily read a map, not be scared of large animals, and someone better damn sure be able to calm the other one down when he/she completely flips the you-know-what out.

I guarantee that if you decide to try out for this show and keep the above points in mind, you might possibly win. If nothing else, you won’t end up looking like a giant ass on national TV.

And you’re welcome.

A few months ago, I started seeing this commercial on TV about Yaz, this new birth control method. Since I don’t really see any need in investing in birth control, I was nothing but irritated with the commercial. So much so, that anytime it came on, I just changed the channels. Oh, it was that bad. And recently, they started airing these new commercials about a yaz lawsuit, that clearly happened because they weren’t disclosing all of the side effects when people too the medication. Yes, of course, I feel horrible for the people that had side effects they weren’t expecting. But I can’t help but laugh every single time I see the same lady in these commercials talking about all the nasty side effects that can happen when you use YAZ in a 30 second commercial spot, considering she was the same lady that was in the commercials telling everyone to take Yaz, because it was so easy and so simple and blah blah blah. It makes me laugh. And that’s probably wrong.

Out of all the seasons of Survivor, I’m pretty sure I have only missed one season. It’s likely my all time favorite show and this season’s Heroes vs Villians isn’t letting me down at all. I’m two episodes behind right now and have managed to avoid spoilers. On Demand is aiding in my catch up efforts this evening.

How can you hate Boston Rob? His original season was the only one I missed, so I possibly missed some part of his deviousness. This dude can seriously play this game! I wanted him to win the last time he was on an All Star season, but I suppose falling in love is much more valuable than a million bucks, right? I’m pulling for him this season.

I’m still a huge fan of King Russell. Nothing could change that and nothing would make me happier than a Russell/Rob alliance. It’d possibly be the first finale where nobody got any votes at all towards the million.

I’m not sure why but the dynamics of the Villian tribe are so much more interesting to me.

The General is also a fan of Russell, but also likes Rupert to win it. He’s both good at the game and likeable, of course.

I really hope they keep Probst signed on for another 638 seasons. I could probably watch it that long as long as they didn’t have Coach on any future seasons. I just hate that dude a lot.

I somewhat managed to avoid the majority of major spoilers for the newest season of Survivor. It’s always been one of my favorite shows and it’s one of the few shows we can watch with The Kid without too much worry. That’s what we’re doing right now.

The idea of Survivor being on for 10 years, coming up with 20 different seasons that have kept me greatly entertained the entire time, minus the season with Rupert and Boston Rob. I can’t remember why I didn’t watch that season. Any time they’ve come up with a premise involving contestants from previous seasons, I’ve been impressed. I’m hoping this season holds true to that.

This first episode? I forgot that I really love the villians more than I want to admit. On the heroes side, I still have mad love for James and JT, but Rupert is still one weird dude. I would have loved to see Jonny Fairplay come back and maybe even crazy Sue the truckdriver from the first season. And Twila. Remember Twila?

After 20 more seasons, I wanna be in charge of the cast. Elizabeth Hasselback is totally coming back and is gonna be on the same team as that Brian dude who was in porn movies. And all the gay contestants. I’ll call is Survivor: The Hot Mess Train Wreck.

It’s always my goal to catch up on the DVR at least once a week, but lately that hasn’t been the easiest thing in the world. Or maybe I just record too much.

I’m watching Project Runway right now from January 21. The only reason I’m even trying to get caught up on this show is because are constantly talking about it. And only one of those fellas is married to another man. That and I love when Tim Gunn gets bitchy.

We started recording Entourage when Spike TV started airing it from the beginning, so we have a few episodes of that hanging around. That’s coming to an end for now because something else, actually two something elses happen to come on at the same time.

The Office, 30 Rock, Parks and Recreation – easily my favorite 90 minutes of consecutive TV on throughout the week. Survivor and Amazing Race both started this week and we can’t forget about American Idol twice a week.

Right now, there’s also Modern Family, Big Bang Theory, Lost, Nip/Tuck, How I Met Your Mother, Intervention, Hoarders, and this would absolutely remain incomplete without the mention of CSI: Miami.

Without DVR, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t watch more that two hours of TV a week. Nice work, technology.

Also called: “What I Get to Watch When Nobody Else is Home”

• Two hours of Animal Cops: Philadelphia
• The Thomas Crown Affair
• Man Hunt (an hour long show about escape prisoners)
• Incredible Dog Challenge (which takes place in San Diego. Riley can’t surf, so he’ll never win this challenge…)
• some movie about Christmas starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Jessica Biel (in 1998)

This is all since 11:00 a.m. I have some freelance to do that should take a couple of hours and then it might be time to break out the Wii. There’s only so much laying on the couch one person can do.

P.S. What the hell is Jonathan Taylor Thomas up to these days? IMDB and Wikipedia are not answering my questions about him.

Much like my love for Project Runway and American’s Next Top Model, I have no idea why it is I love Top Chef so much.

Project Runway? I don’t know the last thing about fashion design or sewing or anything of the short. ANTM? I hate skinny bitches 98% of the time, so it must be my undying affection towards Tyra Banks and the Mr/s. Jay combo that I love so much. And Top Chef? I don’t know what confit is and the idea of something containing goat cheese balls scares me a little bit.

Top Chef is honestly one of my favorites, though, and here are my thoughts, so far, for Top Chef 5.

My favorite, after only one episode, is Greg – I’m a fan of anyone that’s self-taught in whatever their art might be. Not a real fan at all of Jeff. Any dude that works in a kitchen, like chefs are wont to do, and has someone fix his hair for him, kind of gives me the heebie jeebies.

It usually takes me an episode or two to figure out who I want to kick in the nards and who I want to really see stick around for a few more weeks. Granted, I wanted to kick this girl in her lady parts and she was around until the final episode.

And if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to go figure out how to brunoise some apples. Who am I kidding? I can’t even peel one.