Let’s examine the past, shall we?

The first championship team I remember really following was the Kansas City Royals. When it’s the closest sports team to where you live your entire childhood, it seems automatic. It was 1985 and the Royals were playing the St. Louis Cardinals. Huge bleeping deal for the entire state, right? I was in second grade. When I was standing in the corner for talking too much (this happened daily), then I was sitting across from the one Cardinals fan in my entire class. The Royals, of course won, and my Cardinals fan classmate would go on to be one of my playground fight targets throughout elementary school before he shot me in the wrist with a BB gun at close range. Don’t worry. I called his mom to let her know. The Royals, after that big win, would later familiarize themselves very well with last place. Regularly. They’re still in my list of top five baseball teams.

Fast forward five years. I’m in 7th grade. I’m playing basketball on a team that went 1-5107. We beat the Leeton Junior High Bulldogs. You know who wasn’t losing? The Chicago Bulls. I kept stats on notebook paper of every single game I could watch on WGN. We’re talking hash marks for points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks, etc. I wasn’t messing around. I had more Chicago Bulls swag than any kid in mid-Missouri should probably ever had and rocked my jerseys hard all the way through the Jordan era ended for the second time. I tried following them after their championship years, but when Toni Kukock is your star player and you can’t find a coach to save your life, it makes it hard for a kid, you know?

I jumped on the Minnesota Twins bandwagon hard and fast when I moved here. Some years, it’s been way awesome and we’ve landed in the playoffs. I’ve been. Every year. And watched the eventual demise in the first round. Every year. Usually at the hand of the Billionaires. Here we are with this gorgeous, gorgeous stadium and all I want to do is watch some outside baseball from there in October. I’ll keep holding out for it. Don’t worry.

Oh, and you knew this was coming. Now? The Minnesota Lynx. I’ve been going to games since, I think, 2005ish? I don’t remember completely, but I do know there have been some BOOTY seasons. Last place here, second to last there. I’ve seen it. But I’m nowhere near going anywhere. Like most Minnesota teams, it takes forever and a day to build a line up that’s healthy and knows how to play together. Now that it’s here, my head might explode. We’re playing for the WNBA Championship tonight.

Tonight is the only night we can go. And we’ll be there so hard. We’re headed out of town the night of Game 2, then they play in Atlanta. Game 5 will be in Minneapolis. As much as I’d love to see the championship won on our court, I’d much rather have it taken care of in less than five games. So, let’s do it, Lynx. Let’s bring it on home!

I have approximately 4.5 billion things that I need to write about. I keep starting blog posts in my head (hello, nerd!) and then never putting them into WordPress. If I could get a trained monkey to take care of that for me, I’d be forever appreciative.

Last weekend was one of the most fantastic weddings of all time. I’m totally always a bridesmaid, by the way. Twice that’s been my role in the whopping five weddings that I’ve actually been to that I can remember. In other weddings, I’ve been a candle lighter and a guestbook attendant. The fifth wedding was a Catholic wedding and I’ve blocked most of that out. (More on this latest wedding later.)

I had three days of fever over a week ago, started waking up with sore throats, tons of muscle fatigue, etc. Went to the doctor, stole some medical supplies while waiting, and then found out it’s nothing. THANKS, DOC. Since then, I’ve managed to lose my voice. If you know me in person, you’ll know how much of a travesty this is. It’s slowly working it’s way back and I’m slowly no longer sounding like a prepubescent boy.

Yesterday, the General and I went to the Lynx playoff game. I won tickets via Twitter from a VP of the Timberwolves. They were in a suite, which was way, way awesome. And I think being that far away from the rest of the fans probably prevented me from screaming my fool head off and losing my voice all together. The Lynx won and they’re headed to the Western Conference Finals, starting tomorrow, and don’t worry. We’ll be there. I even ponied up the cash for these tickets. (And more about this to come as well.)

The Kid’s been a rock start in high school so far. He’s got some new friends and the ones I’ve met have been super awesome. It’s weird to think he’s hanging out with people that are old enough to buy cigarettes and porn now.

The whole damn family is heading toSedalia,MO/Belleville,ILin a couple of weeks to catch a high school football game and a city-wide chili cook-off. As always, it’s sure to be action packed and loads of fun.

More blogging. It’s coming. I promise.

All of my normal Friday night routine has come to a halt. It’s opening night of the 2011 WNBA season and the Minnesota Lynx are in LA about to take on a healthy Candace Parker and the Sparks. For some absolutely asinine reason, it’s not on TV unless you happen to have NBA TV and who the hell has that? I’m livestreaming it from WNBA.com’s LiveAccess. And you’re damn right I’m liveblogging this. FRIDAY NIGHT LADY BASKETBALL PARTY. (I’d make that blinking text if I remembered how.)

Pregame Notes: The announcers are bad and it’s just pregame, so I’m hoping it gets better when they’re not forced to make idle chitchat. Maya Moore’s first regular season game is tonight. She’s got some major expectations to fill tonight and the rest of the season, so it should be interesting to see how she meets those… especially since she couldn’t get the Huskies to NCAA championship this past year. Just sayin’. Also, I still love Coach Gillom more than I’ll ever love the Lynx’ current coach.

Starters for the Lynx: Lindsey Whalen, Seimone Augustus, Maya Moore, Rebekah Brunson and Taj McWilliams-Franklin.

Starters for the Sparks: Noelle Quinn, Candace Parker, Tina Thompson, Ticha Penicheiro and DeLisha Milton-Jones.

First Quarter: Maya Moore’s firing one after another from three-point land — 1 for 3 in the first quarter from behind the arc. I love Lindsey Whalen. She’s a point guard, yes? Yet, halfway into the first quarter, she’s hit two baskets from inside the lane and snagged a rebound. I’m excited to see Maya Moore do some of that. Curious if the Lynx will end up with a sponsor like Farmers Insurance sponsors the Sparks, especially after this year. (Vikings fans note: Apparently Farmers Insurance has also bought the naming rights to the football stadium they’re planning on building in LA soon. Now you know where the Vikings may be playing.) Candice Wiggins, Alexis Hornbuckle, Amber Harris and Charde Houston enter the game after a timeout and the team winds up with a shot clock violation. Oops. Charde’s hair is gone! I’m sure we’ll see some fantastic styles throughout the season, but I kind of like it all gone. Especially if she can hit consistent threes like that. Huh. Seems the defensive rebounding hasn’t improved much this far (10 minutes) into the season. The Lynx guards look hot right now, but that’s nothing new. Sparks lead 18-16 after the first quarter. Lynx have attempted seven threes in the first quarter. Seems like a lot?

Second Quarter: Lynx give up a quick basket by missing some big rebounds. Granted, Jantel Lavender was banging around to grab the rebound, but c’mon. She’s a rookie. REBOUND. Sparks subbing in a whole new squad of five at the 7:30 mark. That’s some awesome depth. Timeout after Candace Parker drains a three since it wasn’t all that important to guard her. “Trying to go to the bank. No deposit,” says the male announcer. “I want to kick you in the nuts,” I say out loud. The Sparks are passing and setting screens that the Lynx are having trouble keeping up with, which is resulted in a couple of threes so far. Hopefully that’s something Coach Reeves will address at halftime. They just showed a commercial about how the WNBA Cares and volunteers for all these organizations. And then they showed Diana Taurasi. You know that shit was court-ordered community service, right? (It probably wasn’t, but I like to start my trash talking early in the season.) Loose ball = Lindsey Whalen busting her ass to get it. I love to see that. Lynx end with a 7 point run and wind up leading at the end of the half: 43-37.

Third Quarter: This is the time where I’d love Seimone to light this game on fire. Although, I wouldn’t complain if Lindsey Whalen did either. The announcers return to terrible talking about how Taj’s last name doesn’t fit on her jersey and comparing Candace Parker to a large white male German basketball player. And an ugly one at that. Ever watch someone standing behind the arc get the ball and automatically you make that face like, “Oh no no no no no no no, please don’t shoo…”  and then it’s too late because they’ve already heaved it up into the basket’s general direction? That just happened with me when Taj launched a three from the top of the arc. Noelle Quinn looks really good this quarter. I liked her a lot when she played for the Lynx, but she seems to have found a great home with the Sparks. The post players still seem to scared to play hard in the paint most of the time, on defense and offense. A tirade of three pointers helped the Sparks regain a 59-57 lead to end on a 16-5 run at the end of the third. Feels like the Lynx of last year right now… even with a heck of a better lineup.

Fourth Quarter: Amber Harris and Taj make for a huge front court. I’d really like to see them figure out how to play strong together. Not at all basketball related, but if I was going to change my last name, O’HEA would be a strong option. Seimone is uncomfortably quiet tonight, at least for me. The second chance points for the Sparks are killing the Lynx tonight. Taj seems to be the kind of post the Lynx need: can pass, can read the floor, can be a little rough in the middle. Hopefully she’ll end up being a good mentor for Amber Harris. (Yep, I kind of love Amber Harris.) Timeout with 4:41 left in the game, with LA leading 71-67. This is the point in the game where if I were watching it in person I wouldn’t sit down and would get annoyed at the people that were starting to leave early. Uh, Maya Moore (the rookie) giving about 5 shot fakes to Tina Thompson (who’s been in the league since 1997 and Maya Moore was 8 years old) to draw the file and she’s won my affection for the season. This kid is dynamite. Ugh. Lynx: I love you, but you’ve got to do some blocking out and rebounding. It’s going to hurt all.season.long if you don’t figure it out. It’s not like this is a new problem. 46 seconds left and now the intentional fouling begins, which is my least favorite thing of all time in basketball. Taj fouls out after giving her last one to stop the clock and the replace her with Wiggins, putting four really good three-point shooters on the floor. Huh. Interesting call on a play where Tina Thompson attempted to save a ball going out of bounds by throwing it against Maya Moore. There wasn’t really a camera angle that could confirm or deny that, so the officials gave the ball to the Sparks with 25.8 seconds left in the game and the Lynx down by six points.

Final: Sparks 82, Lynx 74. Sparks have a hella deep bench. Lynx have the talent, but still look the same as last year — lack of consistency to end out the game and a bare bones crew that can rebound the ball. I’m hoping Sunday’s better since we’ll be there live at the Target Center watching the same match up.

For three reasons, really.

1) Look at how this dude can park an RV:

2) He’s a fan of the gays:

3) DUDE CAN PLAY SOME MEAN BASKETBALL.

I realize I’m… aging(?) when I watch NCAA and NBA basketball on TV and the announcers that used to play in the NBA when I was in high school.

The Missouri/Kansas State game is on ESPN right now and LaPhonso Ellis is one of the announcers. I remember watching him play for the Denver Nuggets when their uniforms looked like this:

I can’t watch the NBA on TNT without major flashbacks of the Michael Jordan glory days when people like Steve Kerr, Charles Barkley, Reggie Miller, and Kenny Smith were playing ball in their short shorts instead of sitting behind the scorekeeper’s table with fancy suits a giant headphones on.

There’s a ton of snow on the ground and it’s supposed to be -5 tomorrow night. I think it might be wrong that I’m ready for baseball season. But I am. Baseball season gets a little tricky for me, because it runs at the same time as WNBA season. I know that’s a problem for everyone, right?

In any case! The Twins are packing up to start spring training. Pitchers and catchers report in less than a month! And thanks to this fantastic article, I’ve been dying laughing at the projected packing items for some of the team.

Some examples:

Pat Neshek: An issue of Beckett Baseball Card Price Guide from August 1988. (It’s like vintage pornography for card collectors.)
Jim Thome: A three-gallon jug of maple syrup with weird stuff floating in it

And for the love of Pete, I really hope Joe Mauer is packing Colombian nose candy to take with him. That dude needs some scandal.

I just took a poll on ESPN’s website asking me which team will win Game 4 of the ALCS. I packed the Rangers. Then again, I would pick a ziploc bag full of bird poop over the Yankees. But it makes me happy to see that all of America (except New York, New Jersey, and some little rectangle state) feels the same way.

The red states below have chosen the Rangers to win tonight; the blue states are Yankees fans and also like to punch small babies.

New Jersey and Little Rectangle State, at least only 56% of your state admits standing behind the most whorish team in all of baseball.

Also: SUCK IT, JEETS. YOU’RE A GIANT VAGINA.

Tina Thompson just passed Sheryl Swoopes as the all-time leading scorer in the WNBA. I was trying to do a little internet reading about it… but Google apparently did not want me to.

Just about 30,000 points and starring in a movie like Airplane! before she’ll tie Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. (I already knew he was the NBA all-time leading scorer, thankyouverymuch.)

Thanks to winning a pair of free tickets from the Minnesota Women’s Press, The General and I were up close and dirty with the Lynx and the Mercury last weekend. Our seats were all right.  And by all right, I mean ridiculous and made me wish I was a baller so I could have those seats every time we went to a game.

This may have been right before I stood up and said, “Hey, Taurasi, wanna go out for a drink after the game? You can drive me home.” I know she heard me. And that makes me happy.

We sat up in the cheap seats during the Lynx game tonight, where we found that the fans up there? They’re something else.

Fan #1: Male. Somewhere in his late 30s, or early 50s if you look at the wrinkles he had around his eyes. Dirty orange, halfway-dreadlocked hair down to the middle of his back. Wearing a tie-dyed dashiki and short black swim trunks. Dirty white socks and dirty sneakers. Enough junk underneath his fingernails to probably fashion a small shelter. Very loudly yelled TWO POINTS anytime the Lynx held the ball above their heads; sometimes yelled THREE POINTS even when it wasn’t a 3-pointer. My favorite part of this guy? His testicles. Every time he put his feet up on the chair in front of him, I got to see a little peak where his tighty whiteys didn’t quite fit.

Fan #2: Male. Probably in his 60s. Walked in carrying a bible and a black plastic megaphone. Pretty sure he didn’t blink the entire time he was there. Anytime one of the Lynx got up to the free throw line, he would yell through his megaphone “Nothing but the bottom of the net. Net only. Swish”. Every time. Since the Lynx were playing like a one armed blind man riding a donkey, it was incredibly quiet in Target Center meaning everybody, likely including the players, could hear him, too.

Fan #3: Female. Angry lesbian who was there with her partner, but they kept a seat between them. Her partner kept nodding off. Meanwhile, the angry lesbian fan would yell things like “PUT IN THE BASKET” and “TAKE A SHOT” repeatedly, even at times when it didn’t make sense. The ball just getting over the center court line? Probably not the most opportune time to take a shot. In the game’s final few minutes, she would yell encouraging things like “C’MON, REALLY?” and “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” And the thing that made me want to roundhouse kick her right in her stupid neck was when the game was over and she got up to head to her rusted out Subaru. She yelled “BOO” and waved her hand in a dismissive fashion at the court. I love that she paid money to make herself that angry.