brittney griner is a star and nothing else about her matters

All of this Brittney Griner hype is awesome. Griner can ball and she can ball hard. She didn’t fare so well in the NCAA tournament, but that’s probably because there were THREE people guarding her the entire time. Michael Jordan couldn’t even deal with that in the NBA, so he had people like Scottie Pippen, BJ Armstrong, Dennis Rodman, Toni Kukoc – international all-stars, you know? Odyssey Sims isn’t someone I’d want to play a game of one-on-one against, but you can’t expect a point guard to win a game. Ever.

Back before I even dribbled a basketball, Ann Meyers was at the top of the women’s basketball game. She couldn’t dunk. And she didn’t get suspended her freshman year of college for punching someone in the face (video!), but she could still play some ball. She actually signed a contract to play in the NBA. It wasn’t a flashy one and Mark Cuban wasn’t having diarrhea of the mouth when it happened, but it still happened. And it was really big deal. It still is!

But in 1980, nobody questioned whether or not Ann Meyers was a man. If you type Ann Meyers’ name into Google, the first thing it suggests isn’t “Ann Meyers man”.

Griner is 6’8” and has a wingspan of 88 inches – that’s 7 feet and 3 inches. She can dunk the ball and she can block anything, since she has a reach of 9’2”. And by God, social media and everyone that knows everything, she must be a dude. There’s no way a female could be naturally gifted in any realm of sports. It’s hogwash. And if she’s really a female, then she’s TOTALLY a lesbian, because there’s definitely no way a straight female would have a deep voice and be taller than most men.

C’mon.

Nobody says Mike Tyson is a lady because he has a higher-pitched voice. You wouldn’t dream of calling him a sissy to his face, because he’d break your nose. The Williams’ sisters are mannish when they’re playing tennis, probably because they dominate so hard. But when they’re not on the court and complete with professional hair and makeup, they suddenly become completely different people in the eyes of some people – like the subject of a wet dream. Megan Rapinoe of the US Soccer Team and an Olympic Gold Medalist came out as a lesbian in 2012, but it was all good because she’s blonde and curvy and only 5’7”, which is probably the societal norm for the height of a woman, right?

An Associate Professor at Washington State University – Pullman put together a hell of a piece on this obsession with female athletes embodying visceral fantasies of sex objects that just happen to be athletically inclined. Mechelle Voepel interviewed Griner about all this nonsense and the last line of her article, which happens to be a quote from one of Griner’s teammates, just lays it all out there:

“She loves being who she is. She’s just a big kid. She loves candy. She loves bacon. She loves sweets and soda. This is who she is. I honestly think she loves being in her own skin, and we need more people like that.”

So, a-holes, what do you think? Can you just go with that? This kid’s a champion, no matter what you think.

suggestions for the university of north dakota

Back story: Last year, the majority of North Dakota voted to have the University of North Dakota to stop using the Fighting Sioux as their mascot. There are a ton of court cases fighting all of the other racist and inappropriate professional and collegiate team names, too. Obviously the 99% of the North Dakota fans that are douches are all up in arms about it and refuse to let it go. It’s hard with cheers like “Let’s go, Sioux” and “Go, Sioux”… because, you know, those cheers are so darn hard to remember if you change one word out of it.

In any case, I’ve spent some time in North Dakota. Not a lot, but enough (four days and three nights) to where I would like to suggest some options for UND (not to be confused with Notre Dame, because c’mon…) to use as mascot ideas, based on my observations:

• Rough Riders
• Long Patches of Highway
• Buttes
• Buffalo
• Country Kitchens
• Space Aliens
• Racists*
• Turds
• Metal Cover Bands
• Portapotties
• Cowboys
• Rodeos
• Large Belt Buckles
• Dead Racoons
• Dead Possums
• O’Possums
• 18-Wheelers
• Seedy Roadside Motels

Should the University of North Dakota decide to use any of the above suggestions, I’ll only ask for a nominal fee.

*I’m generalizing and stereotyping. I know not everyone is a jerky racist. 

rule changes for the 2013 wnba season: my 2 cents

The WNBA announced a few rules changes for the upcoming season today.

The biggest one: flopping. And this should be interesting for some of those players who are too slow to stop the offense so they just throw themselves down to the court and pretend to be writhing in pain for about five hot seconds, until they’ve officially drawn an offensive foul. Then, look at that! They’re lips are flapping and they’re skipping down the court all magically healed.

From WNBA.com: “Flopping” will be defined as any physical act that, upon review, reasonably appears to have been intended to cause the referees to call a foul on another player.

In other words, if you’re going to try to be a punk and go flying across the court when someone accidentally checks your hip, you’re going to get called for it. And better yet, fines will be assessed! And look at it this way, if you only made ~$60K a year, a fine is gonna hurt.

Another change I’m looking forward to: moving the 3 point line back.

The three-point line will be extended from 20 feet, 6 1/4 inches to 22 feet, 1 3/4 inches, consistent with the distance inherent in all FIBA competitions.

It’s still a shake closer than the NBA three point line, but with as many people that have taken up launching threes, I’m kind of excited to see it being pushed back. I realize everyone marks off the three point line in their own driveway and everyone practices launching it from half court, which for me, was the middle of my front yard. But I’m old fashioned when it comes to basketball, I guess. I want to see the guards to the shooting and the forwards/centers doing the work inside. Every once in a while, there’ll be someone that can do both, but that should be a rarity.

The draft is in April and I really can’t wait for the season to start. Or even the damn schedules to be released!

my plea to brittney griner

Dear Brittney,

We don’t know each other, but I wish we did. Mainly because you’re a bad ass and I do love some bad asses in my life. I do mean bad ass in the most complimentary way possible.

I don’t know if you’ve been watching the WNBA season or not. I would imagine you’ve got better things to do like dunk the ball and punch people, both of which I’m totally cool with. But here’s the scoop – the Phoenix Mercury are trying really hard to be the worst team in basketball, just so they can draft you. You don’t want to play for a team like that, right? No, you don’t. That’s your answer.

Diana Taurasi had this “injury” thing going on during the first half of the season and Penny Taylor as practicing with her Olympic team, so they were starting second string players and squeaking by with a win here and there. And the magically, Taurasi’s “injury” is healed and she can play in the Olympics. Olympics are over and she’s playing at the same level as I would play if I were 80 pounds lighter and 15 years younger. That’s code for JV-level. Smells fishy to me, you know?

Think about this – had Taurasi actually been injured like everyone claims she is, you could have had her Olympic spot. SHE STOLE YOUR SPOT BY BEING A D-BAG. This should be reason enough to demand a trade should Corey Gaines and his merry band of crybaby basketball players draft you.

Now, if you end up with Washington, that’s fine. I’ll accept that. That sucked fair and square this year. I would even still buy your jersey.

If you need advice about your basketball career at all, please let me know. I have absolutely no experience in this field, but I do have opinions. Lots of them.

<3+ basketball,
Wendy