two dolla

restaurant miami

Maybe a year ago, we’d heard mention of a new bar that opened called Restaurant Miami.

Restaurant Miami is Uptown’s hot new spot that embraces the glitz and glam of the Miami nightlife scene (circa 1983). Nothing was lost in the transport of time, from the extravagance, debauchery, socialization, and neon that epitomized the time.

It’s one of those things that you read about and out of nothing more than morbid curiosity, you can’t continue one more day of your life without seeing what you’re missing. And that’s what we did last night.

We’d already eaten dinner, so we didn’t sample anything on the menu, but holy God, the peanut butter sauce they bring out with the Peanut Butter Chicken was awesome enough to drink through a straw. I know this, because I did it. I don’t normally drink peanut butter out of a straw, but after sampling some of their drink menu, well, you get the picture.

This is the front of their drink menu. Yeah, red font wouldn’t have been my first choice either, especially when trying to read it in a not-so-well-list room, after a couple of drinks. But I suppose the early 80s was full of horrible color combinations.

All I Have in This World Are My Balls and My Word was my first drink choice, and I later drank a I Always Tell the Truth Even When I Lie. Jenni may have had a drink called Her Womb is So Polluted, and I think Cindi drank the insides of a stripper covered with suntan oil I’m Tony Montana. You Fuck with Me You Fuckin’ with the Best. Why, yes, all the drinks ARE named after Scarface quotes!

My quick review: the drinks were fantastic. They were big and fruity and strong and relatively decent-priced, which is exactly how I like my men. The decor was kind of hilarious – complete with glass tables, white furniture, and lots of neon signage. One of the bathroom doors had been kicked in and decorated with various graffiti. Quite honestly, the person in charge of picking out the website’s pictures has got to be a pure genius. Instead of the pimped out locale that Crockett & Tubbs may have used to relax after a long day of wearing pastel colors like the website portrays, it’s more of an open room with clearance IKEA furniture and some amazing wall decorations. But you know? What with drinks like the ones we had, they could have let a chimpanzee fling shit on the wall, and I’d still go back.

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britney’s blackout cd: my awesome review

I have obtained a copy of Britney Spears’ new CD. Basically, she and I were hanging out after Parenting 101 class, and she offered it to me and asked me to give it a listen. She took the Swiss army knife away from her kids and gave me the CD. (This may all be a lie.)

This was 43.6 minutes (according to iTunes) of my life that I’ll never get back.

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three, count ‘em, three craptastic book reviews!

I missed reading books in the whole month of February, but made up for it in March by reading four books. I finished two of those over the span of an eight day cruise. Who knew reading on a lawn chair in the middle of the ocean could be so soothing? It’s a lot better than reading while in the midst of a layover at the Atlanta airport, that’s for sure.

You Can Get Arrested for That: 2 Guys, 25 Dumb Laws, 1 Absurd American Crime Spree was my first reading conquest of the cruise. I was very excited to read it, because it tells you how to get arrested. You can’t beat that. It’s written by a guy young enough to be my cabana boy, and details his trip to American and quest to break 25 really dumb laws. How dumb?

Did you know it’s illegal to hunt for a whale in the state of Utah? The author took a boat into a Utah lake and actually attempted to hunt whale. Law broken! Did you know it’s also illegal to fall asleep in a cheese factory in South Dakota? Unfortunately, there were no cheese factories in South Dakota that would allow the author (Rich Smith) to give it a shot. Law not broken!

It was a funny book and a quick read. A poor college student, his trusty and faithful sidekick, and a lot of booze probably explains why I enjoyed it so much.

We Thought You Would Be Prettier: True Tales of the Dorkiest Girl Alive. The title alone probably explains why I loved this book. If you’ll remember, I read Laurie Notaro’s first book back in January and absolutely adored it. That’s why I didn’t bat an eye when I picked up this one, and it’s the same type of book. Laurie tells stories that may or may not be slightly embellished. And I don’t care how true they are, because they entertain the hell out of me and I won’t be done until I read all of her books.

She’s a normal girl and not-so-normal things happen to her just out of the blue. I think that’s why I like her and love the way she tells a story.

Throwing Bullets: A Tale of Two Pitchers Chasing the Dream – what’s with books and their ridiculous subtitles? When I write a book it’s going to have a one word title. Or maybe two. But definitely no subtitle.

Throwing Bullets is a baseball book written by a guy who follows two minor league (at the time) pitchers in the Twins organization. One of those pitchers? Francisco Liriano, who is one of my favorite Twins players. While I enjoyed reading how the author finally broke Francisco, who I’m totally calling Frankie now, out of his shell by the end of the season, I thought the book was full of a lot of fluff. I didn’t particularly care about the color of the trees on the winding road from one stadium to the other, but I’m sure some people do.

I liked reading about Liriano, and found my self not caring much about the other pitcher profiled in the book. My opinion would probably be different if I wasn’t a Twins fan or if I didn’t know who Liriano was.

Don’t worry – I have more books to read! But that’s seven down for this year so far!

stupid and contagious

  A few weeks ago, I was ordering a tripod from Amazon. I went to checkout and ended up getting Stupid and Contagious so I could get free shipping. Yes, I know paying the shipping would have been cheaper, but Amazon successfully tricks me every time. Hey, it gets me to read new books, so I won’t complain much more.

I hadn’t heard any recommendations or read any reviews about this book, but it just sounded like something I’d like. And, man, it totally was.

It’s not a long book at all, and it’s got my favorite thing ever – short chapters. The book’s told from the view of two different characters, but it’s not as confusing as it might sound. It’s funny and real, and any book I read that’s just real – like something I can actually relate to without stretching too much – gets extra bonus points for me.

I don’t want to read a sappy romance novel (unless it contains smut and uses the word mound or throbbing manhood) or a book about vampires that are going to take over the world. I have no interest and will never make it through the book, unless it’s just to find the words throbbing manhood.

Stupid and Contagious is cute and silly and everything that some of you probably hate, but man, I really loved it so much and was even late going out one night this week because I was reading it. Yes, me, reading over drinking – it’s clearly unheard of and will never happen again.
The author, Caprice Crane, uses to write for MTV. This is her first novel, but I’m hoping her second, which is coming out soon and in movie format after that, isn’t a let down, because holy crap, I’ll read all of her books.

so i saw some movies

I’ve been to the theater a few times over the course of the last month, and I’d forgotten how much I enjoy just sitting in stadium seating with all of the lights out and enjoying a movie every now and then.

The Holiday – I was actually supposed to be going to see We Are Marshall that night, but the line at the box office was the longest thing in the world and we were scared we’d miss the beginning of the movie. We opted for The Holiday and still sat through 30 minutes (no lie) of previews. I loved this movie a lot. Like a whole lot. I even loved Cameron Diaz and Jude Law very much, and those are two people who are not my favorites. It was a super cute movie and I’m pretty sure you’ll love it, no matter who you are. I knew I’d love it because of two words: Jack Black. I’m totally buying this when it’s out on DVD.

Dreamgirls – True confession? I love musicals. A lot. I’m not entirely comfortable with sharing that secret with all of you, but there it is. Aside from the fact that I normally want Beyonce to move to the left, to the left, I think she was pretty much irreplaceable in this movie. She was honestly awesome. But even more awesome? Jennifer Hudson. Holy American Idol. If she doesn’t win some type of big award for her performance, which their calling “supporting”, then there’s something sorely wrong with the Academy or the Golden Globes or whatever else refuses her an award. She was amazing. Jamie Foxx played sleazy a little too well for me and Eddie Murphy was a complete riot. Even Urkel got a part. It was good, but I think I loved the soundtrack more than I actually loved the movie.

We Are Marshall – Hi, I cried. I knew the premise of the movie, so I was prepared for that, but there was a scene or two involving the “We Are… Marshall” chant that brought way too many tears to my eyes. I am a sissy. I’m not a fan of Matthew McConaughey and this movie didn’t help matters much. I also realized I’m only a fan of Matthew Fox when he’s shirtless and running around a scary island on an ABC television series. It was a sports movie; the story of it is no secret. I liked that part of it. I just thought it was poorly executed compared to the potential I thought it had.

So, I’ve admitted to you that I enjoy musicals and that I cried during a movie. Any other big secrets you were looking to get out of me?

employee of the month & my love for dane cook

I went to go see Employee of the Month this past weekend and immediately following it, I went to apply at Sam’s Club.

Dane Cook plays a total slacker who has everyone do his own work. See why I always love him? Dax Shepard is really funny as the Employee of the Month winner for the past 17 months and the fastet checker in the southwest region. And Jessica Simpson plays a stupid whore. Or maybe not, but that’s all I can think of her as, so that’ll have to do.

If you know anything about Dane Cook, I’m sure the first thing that comes to your mind is the fact that he can be, you know, COMPLETELY OVER THE TOP at times. But the thing that makes me laugh the most about him? He tells stories the same way I tell stories. Seriously. I mean, my hombres and I could easily hang out with him and it would just be like nothing’s any different. He’s just my kind of people.
Aside from the fact that Dane Cook can do no wrong in my shiny blue eyes, the movie was still really funny. Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite is in it and hialrious. So are Andy Dick and Harland Williams. And the XXL security guard named Semi, who I wanted to hug after the movie was over.

I wish I could have made perfectly clear at the box office that my $4.00 (it was a super secret matinee) was to all be applied towards Dane Cook and absolutely none of it should be give to Jessica or Joe Simpson and their greedy, grimy, untalented paws. But I digress.

It’s a really funny movie, especially if you’ve ever worked in retail (hello, K-Mart shoe department employee here!) or even more especially if you like Dane Cook. Because did I mention he is my favorite?

the black dahlia. or josh hartnett sucks.

I went to go see The Black Dahlia last night.

We did some shopping at Macy’s (ha.) and some dinner and drinks at Ruby Tuesday before our 9:40 movie start time. Since our shopping trip was a miserable failure, much like Josh Hartnett’s acting abilities, we spent a lot of time at Ruby Tuesday. We watched the Twins beat the pants off the Red Sox and celebrated by drinking.

It’s based off the novel of the same name that was inspired by “California’s most famous unsolved mystery”. It’s set in the 40′s and filmed that way. The type of cinematography that was used would have been awesome with really strong actors. i.e. NOT JOSH HARTNETT.

I fell asleep midway through the movie. When I woke up, two girls were going at it with a dildo. You can im agine my confusion. I’m not sure why or what led up to that, but apparently, there was nothing even remotely close to that in the book.

Stephanie explained the differences between the book and the movie to me afterwards. I think she may have been smoking from the ears due to how irate she was with the results.

The only saving grace to the movie? Apparently at this theater, it’s only $6 to go on a weeknight.

Never will I go see a movie that involves Josh Hartnett again, unless it’s a silent film where he wears a bag over his head. I can’t stand his perpetual forlorn look for a two hour movie, and really? That’s the only look he has.

the last kiss

I went to go see The Last Kiss this weekend. I was craving nachos, and figured the only way to fulfill that craving was to go to the movies and have some. Here’s how I like to go see a movie – just show up at the theater and see whatever is playing next. It’s fun that way.

I was a pretty big fan of Garden State when it came out, but more because of the writing than of Zach Braff’s acting. But with The Last Kiss, I guess it was different.

Zach Braff? He’s hilarious. I kind of want to hang out with him, almost as much as I want to hang out with Justin Timberlake, but with less dancing and bringing sexy back, and more just hanging out.

A guy I work with, who also happens to be a manager now, is buddies with Eric Olsen, who plays Kenny in the movie. They went to high school together and my co-worker went to CA last winter for a week to hang out with him. We also talk about Eric’s upcoming movies and what types of roles he’s busy trying to get. It was a bit odd this morning to email my co-worker, letting him know I saw his buddy’s movie over the weekend. I left out the part in my email about seeing his bare ass and also seeing him do the deed on a white bear skin rug.

In any case, the movie was funny and cute, and it was sad and heartbreaking. My feelings towards the main characater (Zach Braff, of course) ranged from wanting to hang out with him to wanting to hit him in the head with a 2×4.

I thought it was a really good movie. The people next to me couldn’t really vouch for the quality of the movie, but I’m sure they knew how many fillings each of them had.

marley & me by john grogan

Another book I finished this summer? Marley & Me.

A first-time dog owner with a dog whose owner called him the World’s Worst Dog – does anyone see a resemblance here?

The cover of the book alone wouldn’t let me leave the book sitting there on the shelf of my local Barnes & Noble. For a fleeting moment, I thought about taking them all home, so each book would have a home. Yes, that’s how obsessed with dogs I’ve become since The Riley Arrival.

While scaring the shit out of a litter of puppies isn’t exactly how I came to pick my goofy dog as mine, it seemed to have work for author John Grogan. Besides, mine was the only one left – if I would have tried to scare him, he would have just sat and stared at me just as long as I wasn’t carrying the new floor lamp I bought that scaries the living hell out of him when I touch it to power it on and off.

With each chapter I read, the similiarities I found between Marley and Riley were… well, scary. The jumping, the chewing, the destruction, and the fierce loyalty – yeah, I had no problem visualizing and connecting with every experience mentioned. Any dog owner that hasn’t experienced at least one thing in this book must have a dog that was put together mechcanically. Separation anxiety, barrier frustration — been there, done that, if you’ll recall. Now, i’m beginning to think those were just fancy words for ‘desperately seeking every ounce of your attention’.

I started this book as I boarded a flight a couple of weeks ago and finished it up before landing in Newark, NJ. Except for the last chapter. I needed a break from the book before finishing the book, as I would imagine any dog-owner/dog-lover would.

When I found out John Grogan had a blog, I had to add it to my RSS reader. I was in hysterics today when I read about his new Golden Retriever’s run-in with Cesar Milan.

Read the blog and read the book; they’re both more than worth your time.

find me by rosie o’donnell

Guess who’s been reading this summer? Yeah, me! Don’t worry, because I’m surprised, too! It must have started with the David Sedaris books my cousin suggested, and from there, it took off. I’ve read more books this summer than I have in the past three years.

Reading, since probably high school, has been really hard for me. Obviously, I know the words and I know what they mean, but it’s just hard for me to sit with a book for more than a chapter or two and really comprehend what I’m reading. I’d rather read the sports page of the newspaper and memorize stats or a bunch of entertainment websites to find out which celebrity is sleeping with their best friend’s ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. I don’t know why it’s that way, but it explains a lot – school, college, training materials, etc.

Not only do I want to start reading, but I need to start reading. The true-crime books I used to swap back and forth with my grandma kept my interest really well, so I knew I had to find something to start with that would really draw me into the book.

Find Me by Rosie O’Donnell is one of the first books I read this summer. I’d been reading Rosie’s blog for a while now, so when she casually mentioned her book in a post she’d made, I figured I’d give it a shot.
I finished the book in less than a week. I read every word in every chapter and even used a bookmark. To me? That’s huge progress.

I don’t really know what I was expecting when I opened the book. It wasn’t humor and a laugh a minute like Ellen’s book, because I knew it wasn’t a book that was meant to generate laughs. Like the title says, it was a book about the author trying to find herself.

The book does skip around – from her childhood, to being a mother, and from being extremely involved in her own charities, to wondering how the success and failures of her life look to her mother that died at an early age. It’s all there in not that many pages at all.

By reading this book, you see more than the former talk-show host obsessing about Tom Cruise and McDonald’s Happy Meal toys. You see what she’s escaping when she was filming the highly successful show for the few years it was still running.

I learned a lot from this book. I learned you can’t hide how you’re feeling or who you are from your true friends; they just know. I learned it’s okay to be yourself and not model your life and actions after what you think other people want; it’s not there life, is it? I learned other things that I’ll keep private, because it’s just as important for me to understand and learn things internally as it is externally.

I also learned that I like reading again, and this book was the first of many that I cracked up this summer. And yes, I left them on the bathroom sink, because that’s where I do most of my reading, okay?