two dolla

only on survivor

Out of all the seasons of Survivor, I’m pretty sure I have only missed one season. It’s likely my all time favorite show and this season’s Heroes vs Villians isn’t letting me down at all. I’m two episodes behind right now and have managed to avoid spoilers. On Demand is aiding in my catch up efforts this evening.

How can you hate Boston Rob? His original season was the only one I missed, so I possibly missed some part of his deviousness. This dude can seriously play this game! I wanted him to win the last time he was on an All Star season, but I suppose falling in love is much more valuable than a million bucks, right? I’m pulling for him this season.

I’m still a huge fan of King Russell. Nothing could change that and nothing would make me happier than a Russell/Rob alliance. It’d possibly be the first finale where nobody got any votes at all towards the million.

I’m not sure why but the dynamics of the Villian tribe are so much more interesting to me.

The General is also a fan of Russell, but also likes Rupert to win it. He’s both good at the game and likeable, of course.

I really hope they keep Probst signed on for another 638 seasons. I could probably watch it that long as long as they didn’t have Coach on any future seasons. I just hate that dude a lot.

survivor: heroes vs. villians

I somewhat managed to avoid the majority of major spoilers for the newest season of Survivor. It’s always been one of my favorite shows and it’s one of the few shows we can watch with The Kid without too much worry. That’s what we’re doing right now.

The idea of Survivor being on for 10 years, coming up with 20 different seasons that have kept me greatly entertained the entire time, minus the season with Rupert and Boston Rob. I can’t remember why I didn’t watch that season. Any time they’ve come up with a premise involving contestants from previous seasons, I’ve been impressed. I’m hoping this season holds true to that.

This first episode? I forgot that I really love the villians more than I want to admit. On the heroes side, I still have mad love for James and JT, but Rupert is still one weird dude. I would have loved to see Jonny Fairplay come back and maybe even crazy Sue the truckdriver from the first season. And Twila. Remember Twila?

After 20 more seasons, I wanna be in charge of the cast. Elizabeth Hasselback is totally coming back and is gonna be on the same team as that Brian dude who was in porn movies. And all the gay contestants. I’ll call is Survivor: The Hot Mess Train Wreck.

top chef after 1 episode

Much like my love for Project Runway and American’s Next Top Model, I have no idea why it is I love Top Chef so much.

Project Runway? I don’t know the last thing about fashion design or sewing or anything of the short. ANTM? I hate skinny bitches 98% of the time, so it must be my undying affection towards Tyra Banks and the Mr/s. Jay combo that I love so much. And Top Chef? I don’t know what confit is and the idea of something containing goat cheese balls scares me a little bit.

Top Chef is honestly one of my favorites, though, and here are my thoughts, so far, for Top Chef 5.

My favorite, after only one episode, is Greg – I’m a fan of anyone that’s self-taught in whatever their art might be. Not a real fan at all of Jeff. Any dude that works in a kitchen, like chefs are wont to do, and has someone fix his hair for him, kind of gives me the heebie jeebies.

It usually takes me an episode or two to figure out who I want to kick in the nards and who I want to really see stick around for a few more weeks. Granted, I wanted to kick this girl in her lady parts and she was around until the final episode.

And if you’ll excuse me, I think I’m going to go figure out how to brunoise some apples. Who am I kidding? I can’t even peel one.

american idol top ten recap

I completely forgot that I wanted to write about American Idol the nights it was on. Or maybe I completely forgot about it, because there’s not a single girl contestant left that I like. At all. And the last two weeks full of Beatles songs? Not impressed at all. But, because my list of shit to write about is getting entirely too long, I thought I’d start here – my thoughts on tonight’s performances. It’s the top ten, which means everyone on tonight’s episode gets to perform in the tour, the one that I’ve never really had any interest at all in seeing.

I hate the new stage layout, and I especially hate it when the crowd’s standing their waving their arms back and forth like they’re trying to flag down an airplane. I hate the one gigantic iPod/Ford ad that the entire show has turned into. And I would gladly give any of the judges my life savings (which isn’t much right now) to put a can of Pepsi on that damn table in front of them, even if it’s for five seconds. I do love two things: Ricky Minor and Train Wrecks, so I keep watching it.

The theme for tonight, which I read on TMZ earlier today, is songs from the years in which the contestants are born. There are an assload of songs in every single year, so it should be interesting to see how many of them pick the absolute worst song from that particular year. My guess? At least seven out of ten, especially given these kids are all at least a whopping two years younger than me. It’s too bad I’m not in it this year, because I could pick from songs from the Bee Gees ("Night Fever"  or "How Deep Is Your Love") or Barry Manilow ("Copacabana or "Can’t Smile Without You" … both of which I know word for word), or some of my all time favorite songs (no lie): "You’re the One That I Want" (or anything else from the Grease soundtrack!), "Sometimes When We Touch", or even "Take a Chance on Me" by ABBA. 1978? Clearly a fantastic year for number one hits!

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not even a state anymore

As embarrassing as it might be to admit this, I’m kind of a fan of Beauty and the Geek. And by kind of a fan, I mean I love it a lot.

Last night it was revealed that America gets to vote on the winner of this season, which is kind of good. If it would have been up to the previous contestants that sucked ass and aren’t in the mansion anymore, there’s no way that Sam & Nicole would have a chance. Not that I want them to win, I don’t think, but I just want it to be fair, dammit.

Except, I couldn’t, because my state wasn’t listed.

How can you include New Hampshire and not Minnesota? I mean, it’s bigger for crap’s sake.

It’s there today, but I don’t want to vote anymore. I feel too neglected.

a diehard shot at love fan. seriously.

Using Jodi’s logic, and a fair logic it is, I haven’t went to bed yet, so this still counts as posting on the 13th. And yes, I’m backdating it just like she did, dammit.

Here’s the thing. I couldn’t go to bed before watching the equivalent of a freight train loaded with little puppies smashing head on with an AmTrak full of adorable preschoolers, A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila. For those of you that don’t have this programmed into your Tivo or watch it online in its entirety, you clearly have better things to do with your time. And I’ll explain it to you.

Tila (you should read her bio) is apparently some Internet phenom that has eleventy billion MySpace friends and was an online Playboy model. At least that’s what I hear. Up until the airing of aforementioned show, nobody knew this little secret about her, except for the producers at MTV. What secret was that? I’m glad you asked. Tila, in her words, is "a bisexual".  The folks at MTV gathered up 16 very straight guys and 16 lesbians, each of them having no clue that they’d be competing against one another. Once they’re introduced, they’re led into a mansion and told they all get to share one bed. I’ll let you process this.

….

There’s 10 episodes. Number 6, appropriately called "The Cat Fight" aired tonight. I usually feel like showering after the show, and tonight, I may need to do so twice.

While I would love to tell you all about each episode, I honestly don’t feel like I could do it justice.

Tonight’s challenge, tonight, involved eating "weird foods" because Tila is a "world traveler" and doesn’t always get to choose what she wants to eat. They had to eat a bull wang and it’s testicles. The very, very, very straight guys all had comments about putting penis in their mouth; the lesbians all had comments about putting penis in their mouth. And of course a dude’s going to win a challenge like that. His reward? A champagne bath with Tila in a very large champagne glass, filled with champagne. NO, SERIOUSLY.

Afterwards, they each had to make her a dessert. The guy from Italy made something involving peanut butter and chocolate, and then sprinkled Cream of Tartar on the top, because he thought it was something like powedered sugar, I’m guessing.

It’s high class entertainment, and holy God, if you’re not watching it, just do it now. It’ll change your life forever. (That last statement may have been a lie.)

ai: 3 singers, 3 songs

The show’s down to the final three, which means tonight we get to hear three songs from each of the three finalists. And, since I’m watching it way after it was one, I don’t get to vote. I’m not happy about that!

The first round features songs the judges have picked for the contestants, the second round songs were chosen by the producers, and the singers themselves picked the last song.

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ai: final four do the bee gees

The only thing that could possibly make this disco-infused episode better would be to have Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon make an appearance with The Barry Gibb Talk Show. Actually, this is one of my favorite theme nights, especially when they get to sing two songs each. I should probably go find my cell phone, because I have some votes that need to be cast. Casted? Cast.

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i will always call him screech or an asshole

I’ve been watching Celebrity Fit Club on VH1. It’s a horrible show, but it’s on right before (or possibly after, I don’t know) Flavor of Love: Charm School, which is an even more horrible show that I’m addicted to. Dustin Diamond Screech, from Saved by the Bell, is on it, and holy shit, he is one giant asshole.

For starters, I’d just like to point out that Screech auditioned for a role on Cool as Ice, but his scenes were cut. This could quite possibly be an explanation where some of his anger comes from. In the May 2006 issue of Stuff magazine, readers voted Diamond the third most annoying former child actor that they would like to punch in the face. His whole plea to get people to buy $15 shirts to help him not foreclose on his house was a farce. (I seriously love Wiikipedia.)

On Celebrity Fit Club, he gets furious when people accidentally call him Screech instead of his real name. He calls it disrespectful and then goes off on some tirade about how he’s been “in the business” for 22 years, so he deserves some respect. He was also in Saved by the Bell: The New Class, which I don’t consider “in the business” or giving him a reason to be respected.

I kind of don’t even want to watch Saved by the Bell in the mornings before work (shut up), because he’s such an ass now. At least Mario Lopez (Slater) was on Dancing with the Stars and is now the host of Pet Star, and even Zack Morris went on to do things other than porn that feature people like Screech and Dirty Sanchez.

Man, I should not be so mad about this, people from Saved by the Bell should always remain wholesome, with the exception of the movie Showgirls.

ai: are you kidding?

Virtual Elvis Presley? Do you really think he’d be down with that? And having him sing with a hoser like Celine Dion?

Hey, there’s one way to get me to stop watching your show, Fox. Doing something as asinine as having Celine Dion on stage trying a) out-diva Elvis and b) pretending she’s looking into his eyes is a sure fire way to get your season pass revoked from my Tivo.

Holy balls, this is stupid.