yes, i really read this book and don’t judge me

I’ve never been a big reader. I think it’s because it requires me sitting in one place for too long at a time and I have horrible twitches when I even attempt to do that.

This book had been sitting out for a couple of weeks and I grabbed it in a fit of needing something to read in the bathtub. Yeah, I said that. Sorry for the visual. I didn’t want to put it down and it didn’t matter that I was still sitting in the bathtub, now in cold water. More visuals, right?

This book is not going to challenge the ol’ noggin, but holy cow, did it make me feel a lot better about having some of these thoughts that I think I shouldn’t be having as a faux-parent. I chuckled out loud (I don’t LOL, sorry) a few times while reading it and, once again, gained a whole new appreciation for single parents.

If had a journal of my first year with The Kid, it’s possible someone would think I’d never been around kids before. I can really appreciate Lamott’s honesty and, if we ever procreate, I won’t feel nearly as bad about thinking my kid’s going to die every time it takes a nap. I already felt like that for the first two years with my dog.

In summary (I’ve been wanting to use that for a while now in some capacity), I super enjoyed Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year and I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. It’s a fast read. It’s cute. It’s funny. It’s real.┬áPlus, I totally have it if you want to borrow it.

look i have books

Upon my return from the wilderness near the St. Croix River, I had to work for a couple of hours. I talked The General to going with me witih plans to hit the thrift store afterwards. Sure enough, I had too much shit to clean up at work and didn’t get done until the thrift store we were planning on visiting was closed. So, I offered the next best thing – a trip to Half Price Books in the Highland Park area of St. Paul to visit their clearance basement. As it turns out, when we got there, not only did they have a clearance basement, then had a CLEARANCE TENT SALE IN THEIR PARKING LOT. You could get a grocery sized bag of books for $5 or a box (the size of an apple box) of books for $10. UH, SOLD.

Somehow I, the non-reader in the relationship, wound up with more books than the one that reads a book a week. I’m not sure how that worked out and I didn’t even notice it until I was busy unpacking them just a bit ago. After visiting the clearance tent sale, we followed it up with a trip to the Clearance Basement where we found some more reading material we couldn’t live without. We spent a total of $21.50, walking out with 20 books to read, a journal for The General, and a book for The Boy. Not a bad day’s work.

And because it’s hilarious, here’s the list of books I wound up with:

  1. Why Do Men Have Nipples?: Hundreds of Questions You’d Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini – The General found this for me.
  2. Jailhouse Stories: Memories of a Small-Town Sheriff – I can’t help it. I always love jail/crime true stories… and have since I was 8.
  3. Family Outing: A Guide to the Coming-Out Process for Gays, Lesbians, & Their Families – Written prior to Chaz’s recent media blitz, of course.
  4. Dick for a Day: What Would You Do If You Had One? – C’mon. Like you’ve never thought about it, ladies?
  5. Ms. Thang’s Guide to Fly – Again, c’mon, like you’ve never thought about it?
  6. One of a Kind: The Rise and Fall of Stuey ‘,The Kid’, Ungar, The World’s Greatest Poker Player – I also love Vegas books. A lot. Because one day I aspire to be a champion poker player and/or card counter. Or perhaps just a show girl.
  7. The Book of Mormon – Another Testament of Jesus Christ – I know you can get it free from calling the 1-800-MORMON number, but I don’t want to get on those dudes’ mailing list.
  8. So You Want to Be a Lesbian? – What? It looks hilarious from the cover alone!
  9. Tattoo Blues – I grabbed this just as the tent was closing, but on the jacket sleeve it talks about having a tattoo that means “too much hot sauce”.
  10. Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America – Another suggestion made by The General.
  11. Tomboys!: Tales of Dyke Derring-Do – The back cover basically describes my childhood, so I had to get it.
  12. I Love This Game!: My Life and Baseball – I live in Minnesota now. I think, by Twins Fan Law, I have to read this.
  13. Dry: A Memoir – I loved Running with Scissors and have been meaning to read this one anyway. Hard to pass up for $2!
  14. The Games Do Count: America’s Best and Brightest on the Power of Sports – The cover shows Condoleezza Rice in Pairs Ice Skating and James Brown in a basketball uniform. SOLD.

I haven’t read 14 books in the last two years, so I’m not too sure what I was thinking. And that doesn’t begin to touch the stack of “work-related” books I have sitting on my nightstand that include things like “How to Not Be Douche at Work” and “How to Sell Everything to Everyone”. Or at least titles close to those.

three, count ’em, three craptastic book reviews!

I missed reading books in the whole month of February, but made up for it in March by reading four books. I finished two of those over the span of an eight day cruise. Who knew reading on a lawn chair in the middle of the ocean could be so soothing? It’s a lot better than reading while in the midst of a layover at the Atlanta airport, that’s for sure.

You Can Get Arrested for That: 2 Guys, 25 Dumb Laws, 1 Absurd American Crime Spree was my first reading conquest of the cruise. I was very excited to read it, because it tells you how to get arrested. You can’t beat that. It’s written by a guy young enough to be my cabana boy, and details his trip to American and quest to break 25 really dumb laws. How dumb?

Did you know it’s illegal to hunt for a whale in the state of Utah? The author took a boat into a Utah lake and actually attempted to hunt whale. Law broken! Did you know it’s also illegal to fall asleep in a cheese factory in South Dakota? Unfortunately, there were no cheese factories in South Dakota that would allow the author (Rich Smith) to give it a shot. Law not broken!

It was a funny book and a quick read. A poor college student, his trusty and faithful sidekick, and a lot of booze probably explains why I enjoyed it so much.

We Thought You Would Be Prettier: True Tales of the Dorkiest Girl Alive. The title alone probably explains why I loved this book. If you’ll remember, I read Laurie Notaro’s first book back in January and absolutely adored it. That’s why I didn’t bat an eye when I picked up this one, and it’s the same type of book. Laurie tells stories that may or may not be slightly embellished. And I don’t care how true they are, because they entertain the hell out of me and I won’t be done until I read all of her books.

She’s a normal girl and not-so-normal things happen to her just out of the blue. I think that’s why I like her and love the way she tells a story.

Throwing Bullets: A Tale of Two Pitchers Chasing the Dream – what’s with books and their ridiculous subtitles? When I write a book it’s going to have a one word title. Or maybe two. But definitely no subtitle.

Throwing Bullets is a baseball book written by a guy who follows two minor league (at the time) pitchers in the Twins organization. One of those pitchers? Francisco Liriano, who is one of my favorite Twins players. While I enjoyed reading how the author finally broke Francisco, who I’m totally calling Frankie now, out of his shell by the end of the season, I thought the book was full of a lot of fluff. I didn’t particularly care about the color of the trees on the winding road from one stadium to the other, but I’m sure some people do.

I liked reading about Liriano, and found my self not caring much about the other pitcher profiled in the book. My opinion would probably be different if I wasn’t a Twins fan or if I didn’t know who Liriano was.

Don’t worry – I have more books to read! But that’s seven down for this year so far!