two dolla

why we’re good together

A couple of days ago, which happened to fall right on the 4th of July, The General and I were driving back home from happy hour at Sonic (we love half price drinks!) and noticed a whole family dressed in matching Old Navy t-shirts. You know the ones. They have a flag on them and are five bucks. We all know those.

The General and I have decided that any future children we might have will not have any flag t-shirts in his/her wardrobe, regardless of how much everyone else might love to flaunt their I Love America Status on that one day a year. Instead, we’ll swaddle him/her in the Canadian flag as a baby. And as the offspring grow older, he/she will don soccer jerseys of either David Villa or one of the many Diegos on the Uruguay World Cup team on the 4th of July.

Don’t get me wrong. We love living in the land of the free and the home of the brave, but that shouldn’t mean we all pay $5 per person to wear douchebag t-shirts. Let’s donate $5 to The 3 Day or to Pet Project Rescue or buy the homeless fella on the corner a value meal from KFC. That five bucks may mean a fancy new t-shirt for you, but it could definitely better spent elsewhere.

It’s kind of just like going to church only on Christmas, you know?

i got yer ladies night right here, steve

I decided to take a break from my Friday night Facebook Family Feud playing to catch up on the news. And by catch up on the new, I mean read everyone else’s Facebook status. This is my Friday night! And I’m okay with that!

Steve Horner, a guy who used to live in the Twin Cities, is in the news for trying to get a ban put on Ladies Nights at varying bars around the area. Why? Because he’s a douche. That’s the short answer.

He was living last summer in North Mankato when friends alerted him to an article listing dozens of ladies’ nights in the Twin Cities. He randomly called five bars from the list and asked if he could get their ladies’ night discounts. Each said no. He filed complaints. (via StarTrib)

This isn’t the first time he’s done it. In the 90s, he filed a suit against a now defunct bar at the Mall of America and got a few thousand bucks off the deal. The same dude also filed a suit against the Hooters at the Mall of America when they wouldn’t hire him as a server. AT HOOTERS.  You know want to see? This dude in a Hooters uniform:

I’d gladly tip him… just as long as he was as nice as the Hooters servers and didn’t mind when other dudes threw things on the floor for him to bend over and pick up.

Here’s the thing about this guy. In the reports he files in Minnesota and Colorado, which is where he apparently lives now, he says things like “she was nothing more than a bitch with balls” about his past attorneys and has called a Denver judge a “pussy-whipped farthead“. In trials, he’s compared himself to people like Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr.

Tweed Jacket Jackson here has pending lawsuits against five bars in the Twin Cities that are currently being reviewed by the Minnesota Department of Human Rights, all because these bars (none of which I’d step foot in without running the risk of getting roofied) wouldn’t serve him whatever the ladies night special was.

I can’t speak for all the dudes I know, but I’m going to go out on a limb here. Dudes will gladly pay full cover or full price at the bar to see three or four scantily clad ladies all drinking something called a Train Wreck out of the same glass – with some bendy straws, of course – that they ended up getting for half price just because they have boobs. Ladies Night, I’m pretty sure, is equally if not more entertaining for the guys than it is the women that flock to the bars for cheap drinks.

In conclusion, Steve Horner is a farthead.*

*Why don’t we say farthead more often?

in case stuff happens

One of the only things I don’t particularly care for when it comes to working for a small company is the lack of stellar health benefits that we have access to. It’s bad enough that I’ve considered looking for my own health insurance quotes online. With our last provider, I had to pay $50 to see a therapist and very little ADHD medication was covered under our plan. We’ve switched since then (making this the 3rd insurance company I’ve had in 2.5 years) and things are a bit better, but still not enough to not make me nervous about going to the doctor.

The provider I have now? I’d never even heard about and am pretty sure their corporate office is in the basement of some dude’s house. It doesn’t make me comfortable at all, but what are my other options, ya know?

where i tell espn to suck it #2

Guys, remember back in February, where I got really pissed off at ESPN for sending me an email telling me that ALL GUYS ? THE MAG? They just done did it again.

Guess what, ESPN? I’m not a dad and I’m not a grad, but I LIKE SPORTS. And, c’mon, Joe Mauer is on the front.  This is your opportunity to cater to the ladies that might be thinking about subscribing to your dumb ol’ magazine.

NEWS FLASH: YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE A PENIS TO LIKE THE SPORTS GAMES.

the amazing race: it never changes

Tonight I decided that The General and I should catch up on The Amazing Race since we haven’t watched it yet and the episodes are dating back to early February. Within the first 15 minutes I was already angry at the show.

Now as many times as I’ve watched a season or even just an episode, there have been an abundance of things that have not changed and will not change. Oh, and I shall gladly list them for you.

1) You will inevitably be going to a country where English is not the primary language and likely not even spoken. Do yourself a favor and learn some basic vocabulary. Taxi, bus, airport, which way – these are things that will benefit you. I promise.

2) Sometimes in these magical far off countries, cultures will be different. If a cab driver doesn’t understand you when you are talking very loudly in broken English, yet you get pissed off and throw a little American temper tantrum, you’re making yourself look like a gian douchbag. Congratulations.

3) One of the two of you should either know how to do or learn how to do one of the following: drive a stick shift, know the cardinal directions, easily read a map, not be scared of large animals, and someone better damn sure be able to calm the other one down when he/she completely flips the you-know-what out.

I guarantee that if you decide to try out for this show and keep the above points in mind, you might possibly win. If nothing else, you won’t end up looking like a giant ass on national TV.

And you’re welcome.

where i tell espn to suck it

not the same michael franti i know

Years and years and years ago (sometime in December of 2001), upon the insanely strong recommendation of a friend, I went to go see Michael Franti and Spearhead at a little joint called The Blue Note in Columbia, MO. I’d barely gotten a chance to listen to the music before four of us headed from Sedalia down I-70. I remember the show being one of the most amazing live shows I’d ever seen. The crowd was full of people that had followed this music for a while. And, quite honestly, their less than rhythmic dancing was a little awkward for me to watch, but there wasn’t a single person dancing that could have cared any less. And it was a really great experience – probably one of the best live shows I’d ever seen.

Totally took this at the show with my hot-to-trot Sony Mavica that stored pictures on floppy disks.

I listened to songs like these (off his Stay Human album, which is my favorite of his, by the way) for a long time:

And, then, the other day, a little part of me died inside. The same dude that had lyrics talking about not caring who politicians “were screwing in private” and the conspiracy behind Princess Diana’s death and wanting to “give the corporation some complications” is being played on 101.3 KDWB, which is one of Minneapolis’ 987908 stations owned by Clear Channel. It’s the same radio station that can be counted on to play no less than 13 songs by P!nk in the course of one work day. And the same radio station that’s been trying to give away tickets to something called BOOTY CRUISE.

Michael Franti, what happened, dude? I mean, nice work on bringing in some cash, but where in your darkened soul did you think it would be a good idea to appear at Sneaky Pete’s in downtown Minneapolis and actually be sponsored by the biggest mainstream radio station in the area? It makes me a little sad inside.

(Don’t get me wrong. I love his new song. I just hate that it’s turned him into mainstream.)

i forget i hate apartments for this reason

Despite the fact that I’m still living in my apartment, the management company had decided it would be a great idea to go ahead and show it. I get that in order to maximize the amount of rent they’ll be getting, they want to rent it out as soon as possible.

HOWEVER.

Since I’m in the process of moving, it’s kind of a given that we’re also in the process of, you know, PACKING.

I got a voicemail today from the girl that shows the apartments. She pronounces her name Curry-Un. Curry-Un had showed the apartment on Monday at 5:30 pm. She called around 3:30 to let me know. I was at work, so it wasn’t like I could leave to go home and clean up. The General packed the dogs in the car and left before they got here, which is especially nice considering I only have one dog on my lease. The apartment, in my opinion, looked great! The kitchen and bathroom were pretty much spotless, the carpets had been vacuumed, and the bed was even made.

Curry-Un, however, was a bit snotty in her voicemail telling me she had another showing coming up on Monday at 1:00 and complaining about the BOXES EVERYWHERE. The boxes are stacked as neatly as possible against walls. Because, let me reiterate – WE’RE MOVING. I wanted to call her back to tell her she was an absolute fucking moron and she could shove her stupid Minnesota accent up her gaping asshole. Then I remembered she’s probably going to be the person in charge of dictating how much of my deposit I get back.

I called her back. I left a disgustingly sweet voicemail confirming the future apartment showing and also telling her to give me a call back to let me know whatever it is that I need to clean before the next showing.I get they want to make money, but I also need to know where the hell she wants me to put all of my possessions in the meantime.

i just want to see them too

I love Flickr. A LOT. It’s solved so many of my photo organization and storage problems that I would probably name my first child after it. Every once in a while, it does this thing that absolutely infuriates me.

I upload some photos like, you know, one does when they fully utilize all of the awesome features that Flickr has. And then I go to look at my photostream and see something like this:

Do see see what’s going on?

There’s the title of the phone and the caption, but guess what? I can’t see the photo! Now obviously other people can, since there are comments that indicate as such. It’s just annoying for me, because I can’t see my own photos!

Am I the only person this happens to??

suck it, mchale

Erica (of cinna.mn and fresh.mn fame) invited me to tag along to a Timberwolves game last night, since she’d received two suite tickets with her Lynx season ticket package. I couldn’t really say no, because HEY I LIKE BASKETBALL.

Coincidentally enough, last night was Kevin McHale’s second coaching debut, since Randy Wittman got the axe earlier for his second shitty start to a season in a row. (Ironic fact #1: It’s safe to blame McHale for the lack of talent that Wittman’s had to coach, thanks to his little shenanigans with Joe Smith several years ago.)

Really, is Kevin McHale your only answer, Glen Taylor? I know you have some kind of gigantic boner for this dude and probably had his jersey back in the day sitting in your closet next to Larry Bird and Robert Parish’s. Maybe even Danny Ainge’s. I don’t know your life, man! I just know McHale is not as golden of a child as you want him to be.

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