two dolla

lindsay lohan is brilliant

If there was ever a time when I wanted to give Lindsay Lohan a knuckle sandwich, it’d be right about now. She wants to go to Iraq to entertain the troops.

Even without Sen. Clinton, Lohan is confident she can handle an Iraq trip on her own. “I’m not afraid of going,” she says. “My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I’m going to start taking shooting lessons. [link]

Her shooting lessons will clearly prevent her from being sniped down and/or exploded by a roadside bomb. When she returns, Lindsay Lohan will put an end to all of the U.S.-involved conflict taking place in Iraq. Then she can be President and everything will be right in all of the world.

pretty much inappropriate

From Clerks 2:

Dante Hicks: ‘Porch monkey’ is a racial slur against black people!
Randal Graves: Oh it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, those are racial slurs!

From Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney:

The best thing politically would be to stay as far away from that tar baby as I can.

Seriously. But since he used it during a fundraiser for a bunch of Iowa Republicans, I’m sure they weren’t offended.

why are teachers so bad now?

I reguarly entertain the thought of going back to school and becoming a teacher. I had several positive role models and terrific influences as I went through school, and could definitely see myself in those same shoes. Some of my best friends are teachers or close to it, and they do it because they love the kids or at least most of them.

Where’s this coming from? The over abundance of articles that get thrown into the news about teachers having some sort of explicit affairs with their students – middle school band teacher has some type of sexual contact with six male students, or a teacher who marries a student during a Pagan ritual, or a teacher who holds a student at gunpoint.

Why, over the past couple of years, have some teachers turned into sexual predators and monsters?

I used to kiss my 1st grade teacher, Mrs. Wiechen, on the hand when we were out at recess, because I thought she was the best ever. Even if she did send me to the Principal’s office for writing Shit Balls on a piece of paper. My 4th grade teacher Mrs. Griffin? Best teacher ever. She was such a great teacher I didn’t even want to go to my special gifted class one day a week, because I didn’t want to miss anything she taught me.

I used to carry a tuba home on the bus just about every other day when I was in 8th grade. I just liked going into the band room after school, hanging out with Mr. Aller, and my excuse to hang with him was to get the tuba. That whole band teacher obsession thing carried over into high school, but that’s a whole different story and probably a couple of therapy sessions, too.

I guess my main concern is that teachers used to be looked at as heroes or as people you could trust unequivocally. They were people you could leave your kid with and know he/she happened to be in the best hands ever. Those hands have since turned into tools of violation and mistrust. It makes me sad to think about that transformation.

Now that I think about it, though, my elementary school art teacher was pretty creepy and made it a point to look down the shirts of newly developing 4th and 5th graders and since then, I think he was busted for having bottles of alcohol in his desk drawer. Maybe the inappropriate behaviors were taking place back then and it just wasn’t brought to the forefront like it is today.

And maybe homeschooling isn’t that bad of an idea anymore.

is someone throwing a party?

Because today is George Bush’s birthday. I’m gonna go buy some decorations and head to D.C.

You know what goes well with Bush’s birthday? P!NK LYRICS! More »

i guess it’s no surprise out of arkansas

I was all set to write about the Minnesota Timberwolves player who was jerking off to porn while drunk and driving his car, because let’s face it – nobody was hurt when he crashed into a park car, so it’s kind of entertaining. But then I read about Arkansas’ Governor joining the troops of douchebags.

“I’m very disappointed that the court seems more interested in what’s good for gay couples than what’s good for children needing foster care,” Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee said through his spokeswoman Alice Stewart. [link]

So, we don’t let The Gays become legally married. It’ll ruin the sanctity of marriage. Right.

But where’s the justifcation on why gay and lesbian couples shouldn’t be able to adopt children or serve as foster parents? Gay couples aren’t volunteering their lives to become foster parents because it benefits them. They’re volunteering because there are over half a million kids in foster care right now and the number isn’t getting any smaller.

I always forget that one person, like the Governor of Arkansas, can control the future of so many children needing homes by refusing to let a devoted and caring couple, regardless of sexual orientation, provide a place these kids can call home.

inked

This is honestly one of the most awesome tattoos I’ve ever seen.

Mary Wohlford, an 80-year-old from Decorah, Iowa, walked into a tattoo shop in Galena, IL in February and got some ink. She even talked the shop owner into giving her a senior citizen discount.

She even told him that she’d bring a “busload of old ladies” over to his shop, if he’d give her a 10 percent cut.

When I’m 80, please let me be this awesome.

The full article is here, thanks to boingboing.net.

i’ve been fired for 100x less

WASHINGTON — A spokesman for the Homeland Security Department was put on unpaid leave today after being charged with preying on a child through online sexual conversations with an undercover detective who was posing as a 14-year-old girl. [link]

Really? Unpaid leave?

Dear Homeland Security:

He flaunted the fact that he was a Homeland Security official to the child he thought he was chatting with. Do I feel like my homeland is secure when the officials that are paid to protect it are busy cybersexxing it up over AIM with little girls? I’m gonna go with not so much. But unpaid leave? I’m thinking, you know, FIRE HIM? Just a suggestion.
Thanks for your protection,
Wendy