two dolla

a quick cheating type list

1. I drove from Eagan, MN to Belleville, IL in 8 hours 15 minutes. I win.
2. That’s four states in eight hours.
3. I watched the first season of Entourage at some point today, and holy crap – I seriously want to watch the rest of them as soon as possible!
4. I get to make Jello shot salad for Saturday’s pre-Thanksgiving party.
5. I need a haircut REALLY BAD.

a list that should have been paragraphs

I feel like I neglected my weekend wrap-up after reading the lovely and details posts of Jenni and Matt, so I’ll do it in infamous list-type format.

• Drove to Mankato with every intention of driving back later that night.
• Got pulled over as I headed south, but just got a very long lecture instead of a ticket. (I know, Dad – "Watch your speed")
• Met the BFFs at the hotel bar right next to Alltel Center, where we watched a hockey game.
• Watched an insane hockey game just a few rows from the ice. Gophers won. Mr. Jeff Frazee, you scare the shit out of me every single second you play. I’m sorry. I want to like you, but it’s hard.
• Walked over to Pub 500 because my buddy (and former Work Boy™) Mike’s band (Jack Brass Band) was playing and we were gonna surprise him. Both the bar and the band were awesome and we stayed until JBB’s set was over. Mike had to do the responsible family thing, so the rest of us bailed!
• Katie and Bill went back to the hotel; Cindi, Matt, Jenni, and I went in search of another bar. We were told one called Mum’s the Word was the one with the fewest number of douches.
• Whoever told us that lied.
• More drinks were consumed.
• We walked back to the hotel, which I do not remember.
• Matt dove for M&Ms as we threw them on the bed. Head first.
• We got a noise complaint that involved a security guard coming to the door and telling us to keep it down.
• We yelled and laughed for a good half hour longer.
• I slept there.

That was totally not list appropriate.

i gonna get dressed by the time it’s dark!

1. My friends and I have our own language. I’m not kidding. There are multiple versions of it and none of it makes sense, yet we just know. It’s weirdly awesome.
2. Sure glad it’s Friday! Yeah, right. My abundant TV schedule is the only thing that keeps me aware of what day it is.
3. I still haven’t gotten any unemployment yet. This happened last time I got fired. My firer (that’s totally a word) said I could either quit and not get unemployment or get fired and collect unemployment. I opted for the latter, yet it never came. Lesson? DON’T GET FIRED.
4. My previous employer (Douchebags, Inc.) is supposed to have the paperwork turned in by 11/11 (that’s tomorrow) and that’s given them 30 FUCKING DAYS to take care of it. With the 5,209,740 member HR department they have (for less than 500 employees), you’d think they’d be able to do that.
5. A former co-worker, one that I wasn’t even all that close to, sent me a card yesterday in the mail. It was a very nice card, telling me that I should work with children, because I have a natural knack for it. And it also had a $50 gift card to a big gas station chain up here in my parts. Random acts, dude. They’re the best kind.
6. There’s a secret plan for tonight that involves a sport and some drinking, but I don’t want to write about it, because there’s a somewhat surprise involved.
7. I don’t even know if these were all complete sentences. I just know I’m hopped up on organic strawberry lemonade from Trader Joe’s and I need to get a haircut and take a shower, probably in reverse order.

Hasta Manana, my friends! (I learned that from working at Taco Bell. SERIOUSLY.)

almost hump day bits

1. I’m in the process of watching Flicka (the remake), which stars Tim McGraw. Even the six seconds of Tim McGraw shirtless hasn’t made up for the shittiness of the movie. Sorry, Tim. It may be over between us.
2. Before that, I watched A Mighty Heart, mainly because Angelina Jolie is a fine piece of ass actress. It was surprisingly good.
3. Lardass Riley is a grown man. Over the past week or so, he’s started staying in my bed anytime I’m not A) offering to take him outside or B) eating something he thinks he might get. Prior to that, he’d never be in a room by himself.
4. Remember how I got a job? And then that job didn’t work out? Turns out it’s gonna work out again; just not until January 21st. Long, publicly unpublishable story, but overall, okay end results!

Oh, and so Halloween. I dressed as Kevin Federline. I won the overall grand prize last year, meaning I wasn’t eligible to win again and got to spend a good part of Saturday night judging people. MY FAVORITE. I did a lot of research for just the right clothes and it involved a lot of time on MySpace and TeamKevin.com (like 12 minutes), and it required a lot of time shopping at Goodwill, Wal-Mart, and Michael’s (and probably another 19 minutes).

I was trying for the perfect balance between the gas station shopping K-Fed and the cleaned up, I-want-custody-and-child-support K-Fed. So, with careful consideration, I mixed the two together, resulting in the following side-by-side comparison:

I worked a whole ten minutes on that shirt, kids.

Jenni took this picture as the party started, when I showed up with Jayden James (or Sean Preston, I couldn’t tell) in his brand new baby carrier. I left him under the alcohol table for a little while, but then we did some bonding. The baby did end up having a really great time. I think he got a bit out of control, though, or maybe his tolerance is just really low. And, um, later, his head got popped off, and turned into a beverage container for some mix of raspberry vodka and some type of watermelon-flavored Boone’s Farm. I think this will really help the custody case!

a list just under the wire

• I watched a lot of college hockey today and yesterday. It took me a whole year, but I’m finally starting to understand it. Last year, I just knew the puck went in the net and that meant one team scored. Now I know a bunch of awesome penalties (hooking is my favorite) and some rules that don’t make me look like a dummy. I’d pick watching college hockey over pro hockey any day.
• Fuji Ya (don’t visit their website unless you want to throw up from annoying flash graphics and sounds) makes Yellow Cake Batter Martinis. It tastes exactly how you think it would – SUPER DELICIOUS.
• I’m very excited for my plans tomorrow: watch a lot of football. I was kind of excited about not having to get out of my pajamas, but then I realized I might not have to do that for a while without a job and all.
• I’m going to take up learning an instrument and start panhandling in downtown Minneapolis. I’m gonna bring Riley with me, because who wouldn’t want to throw money in Riley’s general direction?
• I’m gonna watch Saturday Night Live now, and hope the fact that Jon Bon Jovi is hosting doesn’t make it suck.

things i want to kick in the nuts

Metaphorically speaking in some cases.

1. My sinuses
2. Bret Michaels
3. Oprah
4. Windows Vista
5. the splinter I just got under my fingernail

I’ve noticed over the past couple of months that I really hate going to bed on Sunday nights, and I think it’d because I know I have to be a responsible adult every Monday morning. Apparently I’m not a fan.

Or maybe I’m just not tired, because I didn’t go to bed until 6 a.m. (don’t ask) and didn’t wake up until 1 p.m.

a list game!

I’ve done all but one of these things today, and I’d like to challenge all of you to pick which one.

1. Stolen a piece of cheese from the work ‘fridge.
2. Signed up for a community ed class called Whittling.
3. Tried to take a co-workers chair apart.
4. Forgot to wear socks. Again.
5. Named something Sassafrass.
6. Watched a video on how to start a fire with a battery and steel wool.
7. Got to work early.
8. Was productive at work.

so the weekend

• I keep trying to do a recap about The 3 Day, but it’s just not working. Twice my browser has crashed midway through, so clearly it’s a sign you’re never supposed to know about it.
• If someone can tell me how my dog’s mouth can smell like an ass a mere 24 hours after he got breath spray at the groomer, that’d be great.
• I actually had fun at a wedding I went to yesterday with a ton of co-workers and their spouses. I was expecting to hate it a lot.
• I’m ready for the first frost, because my ankles itch all the time and I’m blaming it on some sort of ankle-high bug that keeps attacking me at all hours of the day.

I went to a Twins game today with my Work BFFâ„¢ and we sat in Douchebag Central. The man (Asshole McGee™)in front of us was there was his 4.5 year old kid named Logan and the kid’s grandma, which after hearing her tell a random stranger this, I found out Asshole McGeeâ„¢ was her youngest son.

Logan’s grandpa was sitting about eight rows in front of us, due to what was probably handicapped seating being available there. Logan really wanted to see his grandpa, and at one point must have started walking towards him. Asshole McGeeâ„¢ saw him do this and slammed the kid down into his seat and did some form of belittling and/or embarrassing him. The kid’s grandma tried to distract him by offering him popcorn and telling him he could see his grandpa later. But Asshole McGeeâ„¢ said, “Stop babying him; he needs discipline. Keep it up and I’ll crack you, too.”

The grandma was talking about religion, asking the guy next to me if he believed in the Resurrection. We think she was concerned by the two guys sitting in front of her that had on yarmulkas, and she had to make sure the entire Metrodome wasn’t full of people who believed differently than her. She also made mention of everyone that comes in to our country should have to follow Christianity, since that’s the most popular religion in the U.S.

In the top of the 9th inning, Asshole McGeeâ„¢ started to get all wound up, because the Twins were playing like crap. They were “fucking idiots” and a “bunch of fucking Kindygardners (typed like he said it, of course) could play better than that”. By about the 20th time he made some snide comment, I’d had enough and gave him about fourteen earfuls, with the last one telling him to leave if he didn’t like it.

After the game, the three of them hightailed it up the stairs, but not before Asshole McGeeâ„¢ knocked me in the top of the head with his forearm when I was putting my camera in my pocket. I said, “pardon me, asshole”, because I didn’t want to be the rude one.

a list about tv and my hair

• I’ve been watching this season of America’s Got Talent. I’ve got a lot of time on my hands (apparently) and this is one of the shows that my Tivo’s been hounding me to record, so I succumbed to its all knowing power. I kind of love Butterscotch, because I love any girl that beats a bunch of boys to win the West Coast Beatbox Champion.
• Yesterday at the dentist, they were showing an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy on the flat screen TVs that hang in all of the patient rooms. Carson Kressley (from Queer Eye), Regis Philbin, and Nancy Grace were the contestants. I could barely hear what was going on over the sound of power drills, but it was entertaining to watch nonetheless.
• I need to get another hair cut, because it’s too long to stick up now. Instead of looking awesome, it’s kind of looking like really bad bed head every morning. Only 15 days until I shave it, so one more haircut should probably hold me until then.
• One day, when I have a really incredible tattoo idea and about a billion extra dollars to spend, I’m totally heading down to Miami so Chris Garver can hook me up.

how about a random list

• Please go do a little bidding action for the Boob Ha Ha if you haven’t already. I have my eye on a couple of the photographs, because I still don’t have anything on my walls except shelves and a smashed mosquito.
• If Clay Aiken put his foot on my armrest mid-flight, I don’t know if I’d shove him. But I may break his ankle. Clay and I are over. For real this time.
• You know when there’s 2 minutes left in a basketball game and the home team is home by 13 or so? That’s not an appropriate time to leave if you’re sitting close to the court and there are people behind you that want to watch the whole game. Sit your asses down and wait until the final buzzer. There’s not that much traffic to beat, okay?
• The “roving maintenance” crew is supposed to be power washing my air conditioners today. Yeah, I don’t know either. I just know I had to move a bunch of furniture and now my apartment is in shambles.
• Work? Eww. I’m just sayin’.
• My new computer has Vista, and I don’t really hate it. I even kinda like it.
• Only three days until I hop a plane for St. Louis and send my dog to the babysitter once again. You have no idea how happy it makes me that Riley loves his babysitter a lot. Do you need one in the Twin Cities area? Use Canine Caretaker; you will not be sorry. His picture’s on their website even.