two dolla

hot mess party at the hard rock hotel

While it’s probably not appropriate for work (and that’s why I watch stuff like this at home and not while at work… I also work in an open room of five people everyday, which cuts down on the amount of video watching I do!), this video is just a brief example of the hot mess that is truTV’s Rehab at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel & Casino. I love me some truTV; the General doesn’t. It’s like a dirty secret when I watch it (and Dog the Bounty Hunter).

I missed the season premiere, which aired on September 1st, but have realized that I can find new episodes every week on Tuesdays at 9pm CST. Luckily, this doesn’t cut into any of my other trashy TV watching, so it’s got it’s on place safe on the DVR, sandwiched between the latest episodes of Hoarders and Police Women of Broward County. I can’t decide if what’s being billed at “real life television” is more or less of a trainwreck then the typical “reality” shows. Or is there even a difference? I don’t know. I do know that if this show is actually “real” life, I’m scared – very scared – for the future.

A bonus part of this whole thing? You can totally enter for a chance to join the Rehab Party in Vegas just by registering here. The Grand Prize not only includes a trip for two to Las Vegas, but you’ll also be the recipient of one year Hollywood Tans tanning package and 12 bottles of lotion. Oh, I said it – 12 BOTTLES OF LOTION. If that’s not begging to start a rehab party of its own, I don’t know what is.

this is monumental

And I think you should all bookmark this.

I’m seriously tired of pretty much everything on TV.

My DVR is full of different stuff – America’s Got Talent, Jon & Kate Plus 8, Intervention, Top Chef Masters, and I don’t know what else. I like watching TV, I do. In fact, it’s my favorite way to wind down shortly before going to bed. But lately, I honestly can’t handle it.

We just watched the latest Jon & Kate Plus 8 and within the first ten minutes, The General asked why we were even watching the show because I’d already threatened bodily harm on both Jon and Kate. I hate Kate’s hair and her sense of entitlement and after catching up on my daily newsfeed of Perez Hilton (shut up, it’s totally true), I think it’s safe to say that Jon’s a giant douchebag. His popped up collar of his rugby shirt on tonight’s episode sealed the deal on the douchebag status for me.

After that, I noticed there was an episode of America’s Got Talent from yesterday. I made it all the way through the introductions before I had to fast forward Mr. Mariah Carey’s idle chit-chat with David Hasselhoff. During my brief bitch session about how stupid the Hoff was, I managed to come up with a plan on what I’d want to audition with should I ever get the opportunity to try out for America’s Got Talent. I’m going to do a remake of this video:

Laying on the floor drunk eating a cheeseburger? I can totally win$1,000,000 and a show in Vegas for something like that. Who wouldn’t pay inflated ticket prices to see me doing a show like that at some fancy hotel on the strip?

the world will be saved

Angelina Jolie had her babies. Now the world will be saved and peace will be restored and world hunger will come to an end and terrorists everywhere will drop their homemade suicide bombs to join hands and sing Michael W. Smith songs.

And I can finally stop obsessing over it, too.

i wasn’t sure it was possible

For only the first time since Strawberry Fanta, I’ve found a drink that I really love that doesn’t contain caffeine.

WHY MUST IT BE SEASONAL? And impossible to find??

almost hump day bits

1. I’m in the process of watching Flicka (the remake), which stars Tim McGraw. Even the six seconds of Tim McGraw shirtless hasn’t made up for the shittiness of the movie. Sorry, Tim. It may be over between us.
2. Before that, I watched A Mighty Heart, mainly because Angelina Jolie is a fine piece of ass actress. It was surprisingly good.
3. Lardass Riley is a grown man. Over the past week or so, he’s started staying in my bed anytime I’m not A) offering to take him outside or B) eating something he thinks he might get. Prior to that, he’d never be in a room by himself.
4. Remember how I got a job? And then that job didn’t work out? Turns out it’s gonna work out again; just not until January 21st. Long, publicly unpublishable story, but overall, okay end results!

Oh, and so Halloween. I dressed as Kevin Federline. I won the overall grand prize last year, meaning I wasn’t eligible to win again and got to spend a good part of Saturday night judging people. MY FAVORITE. I did a lot of research for just the right clothes and it involved a lot of time on MySpace and TeamKevin.com (like 12 minutes), and it required a lot of time shopping at Goodwill, Wal-Mart, and Michael’s (and probably another 19 minutes).

I was trying for the perfect balance between the gas station shopping K-Fed and the cleaned up, I-want-custody-and-child-support K-Fed. So, with careful consideration, I mixed the two together, resulting in the following side-by-side comparison:

I worked a whole ten minutes on that shirt, kids.

Jenni took this picture as the party started, when I showed up with Jayden James (or Sean Preston, I couldn’t tell) in his brand new baby carrier. I left him under the alcohol table for a little while, but then we did some bonding. The baby did end up having a really great time. I think he got a bit out of control, though, or maybe his tolerance is just really low. And, um, later, his head got popped off, and turned into a beverage container for some mix of raspberry vodka and some type of watermelon-flavored Boone’s Farm. I think this will really help the custody case!

maybe i appreciate her behavior too much

I love Sarah Silverman so much.

She’s so inappropriate and people don’t ever know how to take her. Example #1? The Video Music Awards last night.

“Wasn’t that incredible? Britney Spears, everyone. Wow. She is amazing. She is 25-years-old and she’s already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind blowing… Have you seen Britney’s kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of.”

Example #2? Her rehearsal for last night’s VMAs. (Don’t listen to this loudly at work or in front of small children.)

Dear Sarah, please come and hang out with me. If for no other reason, then to be more offensive than I am at times.

walking and my new boyfriend

So, what’d I do tonight after I called it quits on my detective duties tonight?

I walked with Stephanie and talked about The 3 Day. (WalkJogRun.net is so awesome for training walks.)

how about a random list

• Please go do a little bidding action for the Boob Ha Ha if you haven’t already. I have my eye on a couple of the photographs, because I still don’t have anything on my walls except shelves and a smashed mosquito.
• If Clay Aiken put his foot on my armrest mid-flight, I don’t know if I’d shove him. But I may break his ankle. Clay and I are over. For real this time.
• You know when there’s 2 minutes left in a basketball game and the home team is home by 13 or so? That’s not an appropriate time to leave if you’re sitting close to the court and there are people behind you that want to watch the whole game. Sit your asses down and wait until the final buzzer. There’s not that much traffic to beat, okay?
• The “roving maintenance” crew is supposed to be power washing my air conditioners today. Yeah, I don’t know either. I just know I had to move a bunch of furniture and now my apartment is in shambles.
• Work? Eww. I’m just sayin’.
• My new computer has Vista, and I don’t really hate it. I even kinda like it.
• Only three days until I hop a plane for St. Louis and send my dog to the babysitter once again. You have no idea how happy it makes me that Riley loves his babysitter a lot. Do you need one in the Twin Cities area? Use Canine Caretaker; you will not be sorry. His picture’s on their website even.

they can’t all be winners

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHpEWeGZhuI[/youtube]

This may be right around the time I divorce Clay Aiken.

it’s totally true

I read the following on IMDB.com:

Lindsay Lohan is denying US press reports suggesting she and Britney Spears‘ ex-husband Kevin Federline are a new item after spending a steamy afternoon together in a Los Angeles hotel. New tabloid reports claim Federline spent the night with Lohan at the Raffles L’Ermitage hotel in Beverly Hills last week after she phoned him and invited the rapper to join her for a drink. Sources tell the National Enquirer, “Kevin and Lindsay are dating, and Lindsay made the first move. Kevin met Lindsay through Britney, and they were always flirtatious with each other.” The insiders claim Federline was invited to “talk business” with Lohan and he thought the meeting with Lohan would be about a film project. Lohan reportedly suggested the pair speak in private after Federline turned up with his manager, and then retired to her suite with the newly-divorced father. The publication claims the couple made love. Lohan denies the story.

I’m sure this is all true. I mean, it’s on the internet, so of course it is.

While I absolutely despise the phrase “make love” anyway, the last two people on Earth that I ever want to associate with that phrase just happen to be Lindsey Lohan and Kevin Federline.