“how to pee: potty training for boys”, my personal review 

Caution: Parenting Talk about Pee and Poop to Follow

A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I decided it that, at a 2.5 years old, it was time introduce this whole “bathroom” situation to OzMan. It’s not like he’s ever walked up to us and said, “Hey, mamas, I’d really like to try pooping in something that wasn’t my pants”, but what does he know? He’s 2. And a half.

Amelia went all out and bought him PJ Masks underpants, Thomas the Tank Engine Pull Ups, a book of 500 stickers, candy for the off chance that something might actually happen and a pack of construction vehicles for when things really start happening. She went to the library and checked out a couple of DVDs and books to get this whole family on board with this potty training business. Gung-ho, I’m telling you.

One of these books is called How to Pee: Potty Training for Boys. It looks like this:

It’s written by an M.D., so I’m sure there’s some sort of validity with that, right? I mean, it looks like peeing in the toilet can be SO FUN.

But here’s the thing, I don’t want my kid to learn how to pee in the toilet with these step-by-step instructions. I used to have to clean the men’s bathroom when I worked at Taco Bell and I know what it’s like to have to clean up after grown men that were probably pretending they were cowboys screaming “PEE-HAW YEE-HAW” after they’d eaten their Nacho BellGrande 12 minutes before the restaurant closed.

The book goes through a handful of examples of how little boys can use the bathroom like a cowboy or a movie star. The one that gave me the biggest gag factor was the section with four steps that involved the little boy carving out a riverbed down a hill with a stick and then peeing all the way down it. No, any son of mine. Just no.

There was a section called “Mommy Style”, which involved the little boy sitting on the toilet while wearing a pink floppy hat and being served toilet paper by a butler. I’m still trying to figure out why a butler doesn’t bring me my toilet paper and a tiny bit annoyed that now my kid thinks he’s “peeing like a mama” when he sits on the toilet. But, it’s cool. I parented my way out of that one.

The review of the 2.5 year old goes like this:

Me: Dude, do you like this book?
Oz: Um… potty.
Me: What’s your favorite page?
Oz: *Would rather watch a Property Brothers rerun than continue this conversation”

I’m kind of burnt out on Property Brothers, but they weird me out less than looking at the streams of pee coming from this little hand drawn boy pretending to be a super hero. The concept of it is adorable – the guy’s son liked to role play (?) and use all these different props when he pees, so he wrote a book about it. It sucks being an adult, because if I tried to take in a rope and some spurs to the bathroom at work, I’m pretty sure the book someone would write about me would not be found in your local library’s children’s section.

We got the book on Wednesday. We’ve read it a handful of times. He has not found it inspiring and would rather read Digger, Dozer, Dumper over and over instead. It’s on to the next awkwardly written and illustrated potty training book for us.

introducing Ozzy to the Harlem Globetrotters

Ozzy has been going to basketball games since he was seven months old. We always said we weren’t going to push any sports in him, but the Minnesota Lynx don’t count in that little rule of ours. As it turns out, he’s crazy about basketball, or GO GO as he calls it. Like legit crazy. He practices at home every night and plays with our awesome daycare provider’s 12 year old son anytime he gets a chance. With all that, we were pretty excited to take him to the Harlem Globetrotters game last weekend. 


He wasn’t so sure at first. 

There were the standard Globetrotters antics that are possibly the same ones they’ve been using for years, but still just as entertaining. That kind of thing was lost on this little 2.5 year old. But then the action started right after I got back from the souvenir stand. He doesn’t mess around once the ball is in play. 


He was most impressed with all the slam dunks. Who wouldn’t be? I have a feeling we might need to buy a backup hoop for when he slams the one we have into the ground that final time. I can’t wait to take him again when he’s older. 


For now, a couple of hours of basketball hijinx that happens right over naptime is pretty exhausting. 

watch me brag about my parenting skills

First off, I’m kidding.  I already had to call poison control once on this child of mine and I watched him hit the floor face first off the couch yesterday. I’m scratching all that up to normal wear and tear, dude. Gotta break something or force vomiting sometime in your life, you know what I mean?

But to earn my Parent of the Hour Award, I’ve been making him homemade muffins the past two Sundays.

A little backstop on what prompted that: He’s on an iron supplement because, after two really pleasant blood draws, he’s showing up as anemic. No major concern for us, as he’s not showing any other concerning symptoms of anything worth any worry. We’re focusing more on iron rich foods and making him take this dirty feet tasting medicine every morning.

We had a bunch of baby oatmeal and baby food hanging out in our cabinet, so Google led me to this recipe and then I modified it a bit since I’m apparently a non-racist Paula Deen and a non-jerkface Bobby Flay. And off to Flavor Town we go:

  • 1 1/3 cups flour
  • 3/4 cup baby oatmeal
  • 1/3 cup sugar
  • 2 tsp baking powder
  • 1/4 tsp salt
  • 1 egg
  • 1/2 cup milk (I used whole)
  • 8 oz baby food (the jar or purée stuff)
  • 1/3 cup cooking oil

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. One bowl for the dry ingredients and one for the MOIST ones to mix ’em and then put them together. Ask your wife to come in and grease up the cupcake pan. It’ll give you enough for 12 muffins and then throw them in for 20 minutes.

You can really use whatever you want for Baby iDesign food. Last week, I used 4 ounces of sweet potatoes and 4 ounces of some apple, pear and squash combo. This week was more sweet potatoes and an exotic apple/prune mixture. You could also mash up a cup full of bananas if you had done lying around. They’re hella easy and even I haven’t screwed them up yet.

BOOMSHAKALAKA.

This guy approves:

 

happy 1st birthday, son

What a difference a trip around the sun makes when you consider this:

   
 
Has now turned to this:

   
 
Happy birthday, son. Rest assured your first year was awesome. It was full of friends, family and love. So much love. You’ll probably never fully understand just how much love. 

I’m not comfortable using the word toddler, so you’re still gonna be my baby for a while.