how to do all of the important parenting things in just one step


But since you’re here, let me share my expert advice on all of the important parenting things I’ve had to deal with in my many, many, many years (2.5 to be exact) of experience. Feel free to email my PR department if you’d like a copy of my resume, qualifications and references.

PLEASE HELP! What should I do when my child won’t: 

  • Sleep through the night
  • Gain weight
  • Latch
  • Stop biting
  • Sleep in their own bed
  • Meet all of the recommended things that the internet tells them to meet
  • Say the words you want them to say
  • Stop putting things in their mouth
  • Quit hitting the people that raise him
  • Keep their hands out of their diaper
  • Stop having meltdowns in public
  • Sit down and eat a meal at any given point of the day
  • Recite the population of the second largest city in every state
  • (Insert whatever parenting issue you’re dealing with right this very second)


Here’s your one easy step. Do your best, man. That’s the most important thing you need to do.

Everyone in the world is going to have advice. Everyone. I have received both requested and unsolicited parenting advice from the following:

  • Family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, someone I think maybe I’m related to somehow?)
  • Friends (ones with little kids, older kids and even no kids)
  • Co-Workers 
  • Medical Professionals (doctors, nurses, receptionists, lactation consultants, etc.)
  • Retail and Service Industry Employees 
  • Everyone on the Internet (like everyone – you don’t even have to know them)

It’s cool to ask for advice. It feels good that typically someone will get what you’re going through. And it’s also not going to feel good sometimes when you get answers that fill you with the rage of 1,000 angry bumblebees.

You’ll probably run in to a doctor who chastises you for letting your kid look at pictures on your phone while you’re waiting for his strep throat test to come back because, “Oh, screen time, huh?” Lest you be judged, lady. Lest you be judged.

And, Target employee, I’mma pretend you didn’t just ask me why my kid was out so late. I’ll give you three reasons: Don’t. You. Worry.

In Summary

It’s Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day if you’re celebrating it today. Sure, moms, today is your day according to the calendar and the greeting card industry. Maybe you’re getting a bit of a reprieve since everyone’s supposed to be on their best behavior on this Day of the Mom. Maybe your two year old is actually wearing pants, isn’t saying “help, mama” every 10 seconds and isn’t using a three foot long train track as a drumstick while all you’re trying to do is catch up on Lip Sync Battle. Either way is okay and you’re okay.

You’re better than okay. You’re doing a job that’s really, really hard. Nobody else is doing it the same way as you are and nobody’s more right than you. The best thing that you can do as a parent, and even as a person, is to just do your best. You got this.

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