I’m not kidding anyone with this, am I? The only Pinterest board I have for my blurry toddler is one with witty t-shirts that I’m certain he needs and some thing where you take a ton of empty toilet paper tubes and shove Matchbox cars in them. Pinterest has helped me realize my limitations on all things considered “do it yourself”, because it usually ends up being a “do it yourself” with your wife jumping into help because you keep using very LOUD WORDS that aren’t appropriate for neighbors or young ears.
Oh, well, not tonight, friends. I made this kid what all the cool moms call a “calm down bottle”.
Do you know how hard it is to find glitter glue? Apparently the cool thing to do with glue is to make slime (?), so neither Walgreen’s or Target had glitter glue. GLITTER GLUE. When I was in school, you got one glue – white Elmer’s glue. And you know what you did with it? Ate it. Or put it all over your hands, let it dry and peel it off to freak out your little brother.
We finally went to Wal-Mart tonight to get all the crap we needed for this magical tool that internet mommies have very strong opinions about. I hate craft sections and craft stores, okay? Michael and JoAnn are no friends of mine, even if they do have ridiculous coupons all the time. They smell like pine cones and I’m always scared I’ll walk out of there covered in glitter and buying pinking shears and I don’t even know what those are used for.
And then, by golly gee wiliker, we needed a bottle of some nature to put this nonsense in, so we stopped by the gas station to get some plastic bottles of ARTESIAN WATER FROM NORWAY. Only the best for our little Norwegian-named baby, you know?
(Also, some parents put these things in glass bottles. Why in the holy hell would you give a kid that needs a CALM DOWN BOTTLE something that’s made out of GLASS? I hope you enjoy your hipster mason jar before it gets shattered on your beautiful engineered wood floors. If you’re reading this and you made one of these out of glass, I didn’t mean you.)
Here’s what you buy:
- Glitter glue
- Extra glitter (also known as the herpes of the craft world)
- Empty bottle of some sort to put this stuff in
- Food coloring
Here’s what you do:
- Pour 3 ounces of glitter glue in your water bottle
- Keep your toddler from throwing the glitter all over the house
- Convince him to help squeeze the glue long enough to capture this special moment
- Pour some warm water to the top
- Add some glitter
- Add some food coloring
- Show your toddler and he’s all “WOW”!
- Shake it up for him and ask him to do the rest
- Watch him shake it for 30 seconds
- Watch him throw it at an adult’s face
- Take it away
- Give it back
- Stop him from trying to stand on it
- Take it away again
- NOW NOBODY IS CALM AND A GLASS JAR WOULD HAVE MADE IT ALL END QUICKER
I now resign from my position at mommyblogging pinteresting without a two week notice. Another two weeks of this and I might super glue this kid to the ceiling fan for funsies.