This post is unfiltered. I’m not changing any of it. It may also be the first post of about five million.
I’ve known I wasn’t “like everyone else” for a really long time. I never had crushes on boys in elementary school. I always wanted to play sports, go fishing, and build things like a mini golf course. I played with Barbies, but I was more interested in making my Ken and Derek dolls interact and cruise around in their super pimp pink Barbie convertible. My brother and I didn’t play “House”; we played “Men” instead, where I didn’t have to be somebody’s mom or wife. Sometimes we played “Single Dads”, too. I don’t even think I knew any single dads at the time. I never wanted to wear a dress past my first day of kindergarten. I quit dance lessons in favor of staying at home and watching wrestling with my dad. Although, I did name one of my Cabbage Patch Kids “Sherry” after one of my dance teachers I liked a lot. I got my 3rd grade picture taken while wearing a white suit coat.
In 4th and 5th grade, I got into fist fights. Not because I was bulled or made fun of by my peers, but because I was the bully sometimes and made fun of other people. In fact, I’d just pick people over recess and pummel them without warning. I was defiant to teachers. Still no boy crushes. In fact, I’d much rather hang out and play video games with them or ride bikes around the whole town looking for places to play basketball.
Middle school came around and so did the dances. I had a little bitty crush on this boy named Dustin and when I ran into him over Christmas last year at Wal-Mart, my girlfriend said she could see why. I had two boyfriends in middle school: Zach and Jeremy, both sweet, sweet boys and I’m totally friends with them on Facebook now. I didn’t want to “go out” with Zach anymore, because he hated school and I was concerned about our future. (Seriously!) Basketball, band, still riding my bike everywhere. I’m pretty sure I was flirting with my PE teacher at the time, too, on a regular basis who happened to be a female and live right next door to my BFF at the time. I was only one of two girls in my Industrial Arts 2 class. I made out with a boy in my class a lot when we were finished making our tool boxes and clocks, but I was not impressed at all.
High school came and so did more sports, more marching band, and then working at Taco Bell. Homecoming and Valentine’s Day dances came and I was busy working the drive thru. One, I didn’t want to wear a dress at all and, two, there was not a single boy in that high school I would have wanted to go with. I made up excuses to not have to go to them. There was still not a boy that I was like all “I want to marry him!”. I preferred wearing my large collection of NBA jerseys instead of things that showed off my boobs or my belly button.
In high school, there were rumors about someone on our basketball team being a lesbian. So, naturally, everyone wouldn’t change clothes in front of her because, OMG, she might try to… do something? I grew up around words and phrases like “faggot”, “queer as a three dollar bill”, “light in the loafers”, etc. There’s a street in my hometown that a friend of the family calls “BroadGAY” because one gay man lives on it.
After high school, I found the internet and tried really hard to date boys. Like REALLY hard. I couldn’t even try to come up with a list of all the boys I went out with once and then promptly avoided any and all emails/telephone calls from them, because they were BO-RING. I spent the better part of two years spending inordinate amounts of time with one particular boy. We may have been dating, if by dating you meant just hanging out all the time and only making out when we were sloppy drunk at a pole-barn-turned-dance-club in Knob Noster, Missouri.
When I wasn’t trying to convince everyone around me and myself that I was just your average straight tomboy, I was busy pretending to be people I really wasn’t on the internet. If I couldn’t be who I wanted to be in my actual life, I figured that would help. Maybe I could convince myself. It didn’t.
I tried SO HARD to like boys. Don’t get me wrong – I love them. Some of my greatest friends are boys. My brother is just one of the most awesome people I know. I can appreciate the handsomeness of a boy: Taylor Lautner, for example. Shut up. But never ever had I had any type of physical attraction to any man or boy in my entire life.
TL:DR Version: I’ve been a homo as long as I can remember. I never made the choice to be that way. It just happened.
Yeah, this felt good. Cheaper than therapy even!