the fans make me hate sports

We sat up in the cheap seats during the Lynx game tonight, where we found that the fans up there? They’re something else.

Fan #1: Male. Somewhere in his late 30s, or early 50s if you look at the wrinkles he had around his eyes. Dirty orange, halfway-dreadlocked hair down to the middle of his back. Wearing a tie-dyed dashiki and short black swim trunks. Dirty white socks and dirty sneakers. Enough junk underneath his fingernails to probably fashion a small shelter. Very loudly yelled TWO POINTS anytime the Lynx held the ball above their heads; sometimes yelled THREE POINTS even when it wasn’t a 3-pointer. My favorite part of this guy? His testicles. Every time he put his feet up on the chair in front of him, I got to see a little peak where his tighty whiteys didn’t quite fit.

Fan #2: Male. Probably in his 60s. Walked in carrying a bible and a black plastic megaphone. Pretty sure he didn’t blink the entire time he was there. Anytime one of the Lynx got up to the free throw line, he would yell through his megaphone “Nothing but the bottom of the net. Net only. Swish”. Every time. Since the Lynx were playing like a one armed blind man riding a donkey, it was incredibly quiet in Target Center meaning everybody, likely including the players, could hear him, too.

Fan #3: Female. Angry lesbian who was there with her partner, but they kept a seat between them. Her partner kept nodding off. Meanwhile, the angry lesbian fan would yell things like “PUT IN THE BASKET” and “TAKE A SHOT” repeatedly, even at times when it didn’t make sense. The ball just getting over the center court line? Probably not the most opportune time to take a shot. In the game’s final few minutes, she would yell encouraging things like “C’MON, REALLY?” and “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” And the thing that made me want to roundhouse kick her right in her stupid neck was when the game was over and she got up to head to her rusted out Subaru. She yelled “BOO” and waved her hand in a dismissive fashion at the court. I love that she paid money to make herself that angry.

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4 Comments

  1. OMG, “nothing but the bottom of the net” guy! That’s how I refer to him. Apparently Nicky Anosike gave him the death stare once when he did it to her and so he doesn’t do it when she’s shooting anymore.

    I’m not a basketball expert by any stretch, but I know a little something and people say some really dumb shit sometimes. But, you know, they paid their money.

    That said, yesterday’s game was painful to watch. Had we won even one of the previous three very well-played games that we ended up losing by 2 or 3 points, it wouldn’t have been so bad. They can’t all be great. But damn.

  2. I just copied that entire post and pasted it into an email to Pat. He is going to wet his pants as he sneakily reads it during a meeting, I’m sure. Mr. Net-Only-Swish goes to Wolves games, too. At least I assume it’s the same guy. Not likely there are two of them.

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