When we moved into this duplex in February, we were immediately worried we’d be the loud neighbors. We’re not small, The Kid walks around like an elephant, and we have two 80 pound dogs. I think we’re a recipe for annoying upstairs neighbors. Add random dogs coming in and out like it’s a halfway house for canines and that just increases the potential for a barking, growling, howling, stampeding disaster.
The only time we hear the downstairs neighbors is when their dog has to go out or they’re watching some type of sporting event. And then the Bald One, who leaves a Bible and a book called “Help me Understand the Bible” on the dash of his Jeep Cherokee, fell in love with perhaps a hyena – one that happens to drive a red car that’s always in my parking spot. She may also be part howler monkey. Or a cat in heat. You get the picture.
The other downstairs roommate, who we can call Pauly Shore thanks to his daily weed smoking habit, can’t stand The Howler Monkey. You can only imagine Pauly’s amount of pleasure when the Bald One announced he’d be marrying The Howler Monkey. Since then, the betrothed couple rarely spend the night here, leaving Pauly to take care of the dog — the dog that belongs to the Bald One.
Recently, The Howler Monkey has been given a key to the downstairs. Since I’m guessing she normally lives in a barn, she can’t seem to enter the house without a grand entrance involving laughing (whether or not she’s by herself or with the Bald One) or smashing her face into all the walls. Or at least that’s what it sounds like.
So I don’t feel too bad taking Spanish lessons via Google translator at this time of night. Especially when I’ve learned how to say the following (out loud, of course):
- street whore
- white dog
- big brown dog
- Mexican street whore dog
- my name is honey bunny
- sweet bunny needs roses
- Cum Slut canal alto consumo (because the English part is way, way dirty)
I’m totally putting bilingual on my resume now.