two dolla

google voice after three days

This one time, a few years ago when I was meeting my friends at Lake Calhoun for what we call Gay Day (it really is a very happy day in the beginning of spring, so it’s appropriately named), I wrote a song and it goes like this:

Homos. In the sexual park.

That’s all I wrote. It has it’s own melody. It’s just not ready to be recorded yet. Mainly because those five words are as far as I’ve gotten. I’m calling it a creative roadblock.

I got my Google Voice number set up a few days ago, so I had The General call and leave a message to see how it all worked. It seem only appropriate that The General decide to sing my song (which I should totally get copyrighted now that I’ve published it on the internet) into my new Google Voice thing. And, let me tell you, friends, Google Voice has some trouble understanding “homos in the sexual park” when it transcribes it in a voicemail or email.

When sang, “homos in the sexual park” is translated into:

homeowners and a sexual will palmer

When spoken very clearly, it’s translated into:

loans in the sexual Park

Another one of my favorites so far has been a voicemail I received from Maia, the Pet Project Rescue Czar. “Hey, Wendy, it’s Maia” was turned into:

Hey Wendy, It’s my ass

My ass. Keep working, Google, because I’m in love with it already!

links for 2009-10-31

• YBNBY: Inappropriate Puzzles
  I love inappropriate things.

the things about facebook

Don’t get me wrong. I love Facebook a lot. Like really a whole lot, I promise. But here are the things I don’t like (or more accurately loathe) about the Book of the Face:

• The atrocious spelling and grammar. I know I spell things wrong and maybe don’t always use the most accurate form of verbs 100% of the time. But you know what I always do? Spell words out. There’s nothing like seeing people I graduated with (making them over 30 years old) replacing the word to with 2, four with 4, and you with u. This is reserved for 12 year olds! (Keep in mind if my 12 year old tried to pull that, I’d make him redo it. About 298 times.)
• It’s great that you love Jesus (or Buddha or Captain Zolton or whoever you want to invest your religious beliefs in — I don’t care), but when I see things that say “Let’s see how many people aren’t afraid to show their love for God!” on your Facebook status, I want to punch you. In the grand scheme of religion, everyone considers the object of their religious belief GOD, so everyone can repost that. And then won’t you feel lke an ass??
• No, I will not be a fan of your three piece jazz band or your TV show that you starred in once or your recreational mini golf team. I’m not really a fan of any of those things that you do, so why should I pretend I am on the ‘book. Know what I mean? I probably asked you to be a fan of my dogs or my work, but only if I know you and know you don’t mind me spamming you with shit like that.
• I also don’t want to be invited to your part that’s in a state 800 miles a way on a regular basis. If I haven’t seen you in 10+ years, I don’t want to come to your stupid candle-selling party. Suck it, Ponzi. I’m not interested.

There are more, but I have Mafia Wars to tend to and some new Cafe World thing I have to see about. And then I need to probably play Bejeweled.

this is the supreme distinction model

via walmart.com

Of course it’s only available online. Why would my local Wal-Mart carry A CASKET?

WOULD IT BE RIGHT NEXT TO THE BEDSHEETS AND CURTAIN RODS?

Sam Walton? Super proud dude right now.

Posted via web from twodolla’s posterous.

snuggies and twilight

via thehighdefinite.com

I can’t really explain why hilarious Facebook conversations make me laugh harder than anything else in the world. But it’s true. Inappropriate, but very, very true.

Posted via web from twodolla’s posterous.

links for 2009-10-29

• Nene Hilario Stats, News, Photos – Denver Nuggets – ESPN
  This is my first favorite NBA player of the season. Mainly because he's just listed as NENE in so many places, and that is so not a typical American basketball game. I love him for going by it. Although, I suppose if you're 6'11" and weigh 250 pounds, you can pull off a name like Nene without getting your ass kicked.

copying the streakmaster

For the past few months, I’ve been extremely obsessed with ESPN’s Streak for the Cash. I’m not at all great at it. And I think that’s a good thing. If I was awesome at picking the winners of all these different sporting events online without having to put down any cash at all, I’m sure I’d be broke as all get out laying down real bets on this stuff.

Right now, my record is 164-146-10, which is a paltry 52.9% when it comes to accuracy. If you want to see it broken down by sport, I think you should be able to see this link. My highest winning streak has been 12 in a row; my highest losing streak has been seven in a row. Obviously I’m all over the board when it comes to accuracy.

The StreakMaster posts what he’s picking for the day. I was kind of impressed by it and I also realized that if maybe I did that, I wouldn’t be stressing so much about it all day long. I can only look at ESPN so many times during the work day before our IT department realizes it’s not really for networking activities. So, here we go:

Current L1 (that’s a streak of one loss for those of you that don’t know how this works); Current .529 (164-146-10)

United States Win. David Banda is the only person from Malawi (which is the U.S.’s opponent) I know and I’m pretty sure Madonna’s not going to let him play in the Under-17 FIFA World Cup.

Benjamin Becker. I’ve never heard of the other guy. (I told you I wasn’t great at this!)

Ottawa Senators. The Senators haven’t let me down yet this season. I know it’s still early, but they’re looking pretty hot so far.

We’ll see what happens and we’ll see if this becomes some sort of daily thing… I’m not counting on anything here.

tools for stalkers everywhere!

I’m gonna buy about 2801 of these and strategically place them on other people.

That girl that I always end up next to at a hip hop show at First Ave who insists on bringing her luggage to the show and ramming into my back regularly? I’m gonna put one in her purse and then I’m gonna follow her everywhere and make her feel really, really creepy.

I might attach one to Riley’s collar, so when he’s roaming around in the house all by himself and thinks it’s time to get on top of the kitchen counter for a treat of peanut butter, I’ll know about it.

I might also attach one permanently to The Kid’s ear lobe. That way when we’re gone and he’s supposed to take the dogs out, we can tell when he actually moves off the couch and does his assigned chore. The idea of being able to show him that we know he spent three hours parked in front of Food Network Challenge episodes is very appealing.

Man, this is a horrible idea. I really understand the idea of it. But it’s so damn creepy! “The Little Buddy Child Tracker” just sounds like a device that’s begging to be bought by those almost-Level 3 sex offenders that are just waiting for something easy like this to track little kids ‘locations.

Posted via web from twodolla’s posterous.

links for 2009-10-28

• How to Make Picture-Perfect Pads of Paper
  Note to self: this has got to be pretty easy to make!

i can’t wait until this kid gets older

via lamebook.com

You know why? Because his friends are going to keep doing shit like this to him and he’s never ever going to learn. And that just means he’s going to continue to post his Facebook status with things like this forever, and I’ll always have something entertaining to read.

After all, isn’t entertaining internet reading about 85% all about other peoples misery? I thought so.

Posted via web from twodolla’s posterous.