the first of what could possibly be many bus stories

Back when I lived in Eagan, I would typically opt to take the train from time to time when going to baseball or basketball games. I didn’t have to pay for parking and I didn’t have to deal with the gigantic mess of traffic afterwards, which tends to fuel even more fire to the already exsisting anger I would feel after watching any of my favorite local sports team lose. But I never took the bus.

I’ve taken it twice since moving here in the late winter/early spring of 2002. Once, I was living in St. Paul and working in downtown St. Paul, so I figured I’d give it a whirl. I got scared and pulled the stop request cord about half a mile before my actual stop resulting in a morning hike to my office. The second time, Cindi was trying to teach me how to ride it, so we took it from her place to a bar. I only remember the kid sitting across from us that was completely cracked out picking at his face and continually thinking someone was looking over his shoulder, even though his back was to the bus window.

I took the bus every morning this past week. It’s a $2 fare and it gets me to work on time, if not early. And while it’s taking me a while to get used to not being in complete control of my ride to the office, I don’t really hate it and I’m getting some reading done.

On Thursday, a man with a tie got on at my 35th and Bryant stop. I’ve been riding the 4B bus for three whole days, (THREE WHOLE DAYS) and up until today, I’d always been the fanciest one on the bus. Instantly (and obviously), I didn’t like him.

diagram 1I like to sit in the front of the bus, because there are always open seats, I get to see everyone that gets on, and I can get off pretty quickly. I sat down, and noticed that the guy with the tie sat down in the row of seats somewhat diagnol to me. I’m reading America’s Boy, pretty much minding my own business, and I look up long enough to notice the tie-wearing guy is reading a sales-related book. I have three theories about guys that read books called “How to Rock at Sales” or anything even remotely close to the sort.

1. They’re horribe at sales and desperately trying to find a source where they can learn how to be a pro before their 30-day probation runs out.
2. They’re new to the job and just want to look like a cocky pro.
3. Their asshole manager assigned them the book to read. (Oh wait, that was me in my last job.)

So, the bus stops somewhere between my stop and the edge of downtown, and this guy stands up. I figure he’s getting off the bus at MCTC, but no, he’s standing up for a different reason – so he can adjust his boy parts.

Dude stands up, sales book in one hand, and takes the free hand to grab his entire package. It apparently needed adjusting. I can’t really assume that it was bothering his knee or something to that effect, but the way he grabbed it allowed me to see the outline of absolutely everything that I never wanted to see on the bus at 8:40 in the morning. It’s possible the man only had one nut.

And the day after that, I started catching a different bus.


  1. I saw you yesterday!
    I was driving down Hennepin (rollin’ down the street with my mom in her corolla) around noon.

    Am I right?

  2. I just had to laugh at this entry. It reminded me of an “oh shit I might get fired incident”. I am a construction manager and every summer we take on youth workers. We get at least two reminders while the boys are working that the crew has to watch their language around them.

    So … the other day one of the boys is adjusting his package. I told him “that better be hurting your knee or don’t do that in public”. My boss swallowed really hard. That boy’s dad is one of my crew leaders went and hid while he laughed his ass off.

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