restaurant miami

Maybe a year ago, we’d heard mention of a new bar that opened called Restaurant Miami.

Restaurant Miami is Uptown’s hot new spot that embraces the glitz and glam of the Miami nightlife scene (circa 1983). Nothing was lost in the transport of time, from the extravagance, debauchery, socialization, and neon that epitomized the time.

It’s one of those things that you read about and out of nothing more than morbid curiosity, you can’t continue one more day of your life without seeing what you’re missing. And that’s what we did last night.

We’d already eaten dinner, so we didn’t sample anything on the menu, but holy God, the peanut butter sauce they bring out with the Peanut Butter Chicken was awesome enough to drink through a straw. I know this, because I did it. I don’t normally drink peanut butter out of a straw, but after sampling some of their drink menu, well, you get the picture.

This is the front of their drink menu. Yeah, red font wouldn’t have been my first choice either, especially when trying to read it in a not-so-well-list room, after a couple of drinks. But I suppose the early 80s was full of horrible color combinations.

All I Have in This World Are My Balls and My Word was my first drink choice, and I later drank a I Always Tell the Truth Even When I Lie. Jenni may have had a drink called Her Womb is So Polluted, and I think Cindi drank the insides of a stripper covered with suntan oil I’m Tony Montana. You Fuck with Me You Fuckin’ with the Best. Why, yes, all the drinks ARE named after Scarface quotes!

My quick review: the drinks were fantastic. They were big and fruity and strong and relatively decent-priced, which is exactly how I like my men. The decor was kind of hilarious – complete with glass tables, white furniture, and lots of neon signage. One of the bathroom doors had been kicked in and decorated with various graffiti. Quite honestly, the person in charge of picking out the website’s pictures has got to be a pure genius. Instead of the pimped out locale that Crockett & Tubbs may have used to relax after a long day of wearing pastel colors like the website portrays, it’s more of an open room with clearance IKEA furniture and some amazing wall decorations. But you know? What with drinks like the ones we had, they could have let a chimpanzee fling shit on the wall, and I’d still go back.

Matt has his version:

last night, after a good year of anticipation, we finally made it down to restaurant miami, where all the lighting is pink and teal, all the fixtures are whiter than a mountain of cocaine, and all the drinks are named after lines from scarface: i had a ‘that piece of chit up there i never like him,’ two ‘all i have in this world are my balls and my word’s, and a damn good time. (as a collective, i know we also had a few ‘i always tell the truth, even when i lie’s and at least one ‘her womb is so polluted.’ no ‘fuck casper gomez and fuck the fucking diaz brothers,’ which will have to wait for another trip.

Jenni has hers:

Last night, we had dinner at It’s Greek to Me with Wendy and Cindi, then were joined by Willis, Dan, and Kate at Restaurant Miami. I’ve only been meaning to go there for a year now, so it was a huge accomplishment. It’s as delightfully tacky as promised, the $8 drinks are GIGANTIC and have names like ‘her womb is so polluted’ and ‘I always tell the truth, even when I lie’. Mostly we went there as tropical-drink preparation for the cruise, and, dudes, WE ARE READY.

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