I met a new neighbor just now (at 10:30 pm) when I went to take Riley out. To give you an idea of how many people I know that live in my building, I can tell you that I’ve posted about each and every one. See? Not many. The hippo family upstairs, the tribe next door, the guys that paint themselves colors, and I think that’s pretty much it, right?
I had Riley off the leash, so he can run in the snow and so we can work on commands. I heard another dog, so I put him back on the leash and then I hear someone yell "Tyson’s over here!" Luckily, I knew that the boxer upstairs and down the hall is named Tyson and it wasn’t the other boxer named Tyson that bites ears off. In any case, my extremely stoned neighbor, whose name is Justin, wanted our dogs to be friends. Fine, sure, I’ll humor you, dude.
Five minutes into our dogs being friends, Tyson started throwing a hump on top of Riley. Not like a normal humping dog either and I can’t explain it much further without getting graphic, and too many people in my family over the age of 50 read this, so you’re going to have to draw your own conclusions. Justin apologized for his dog being gay, and I silently laughed in my head, because he clearly has no clue about how gay his dog actually could be. Then, he asked me what water I gave Riley, only I had to have him repeat it four times, because it sounded like this: "Whaaaaat doyoiasalk water?" Apparently Justin’s water smells like chlorine.
I kept trying to break conversation, by doing things like announcing my intent to go inside or taking Riley off the leash and pretending the leash was broken so I should hurry in. Didn’t matter to Justin, though, because he had things to tell me:
- He’s trying to find his dog’s "center".
- He (Justin) is a massage therapist.
- His dog Tyson "puts from the rough". (His choice of words.)
- He wanted to talk about 2 Girls 1 Cup. (Sorry, find your own link.)
- He explained something else to me that involved bodily fluids and a freezer. Seriously.
- And then he told me everything comes around full circle.
There’s a reason I don’t talk to my neighbors.