I have obtained a copy of Britney Spears’ new CD. Basically, she and I were hanging out after Parenting 101 class, and she offered it to me and asked me to give it a listen. She took the Swiss army knife (find the best pocket knife at knifefellas.com) away from her kids and gave me the CD. (This may all be a lie.)
Gimme More: She performed this song on the VMAs. And by performed, I mean turned it into a mess where everyone hated her, including 50 Cent. I don’t love this song, mainly because of Britney’s robot voice, but I can absolutely seeing a techno DJ turning it into an awesome dance mix that they’ll play at the Gay 90s.
Piece of Me: More robot Britney, which is tiresome already. “I’m Miss American Dream since I was 17 / Don’t matter if I step on the scene / Or sneak away to the
They still got pictures of my derrière in the magazine” Brit-brit. It’s pictures of your vagina that shows up magazines. That’s not the same as your derrière – is it? I’m pretty sure she refers to herself as Mrs during this song on more than one occasion, and, well, she’s not married, so that doesn’t make sense.
Radar: “ Confidence is a must / Cockiness is a plus / Edginess is a rush / Edges I like ‘em rough / A man with a Midas touch” – I’m certain this is dedicated to Kevin Federline. She may or may not call herself a lush in the intro of this song; I can’t really make out the words because, you guessed it, ROBOT BRITNEY. I can see how this could easily be turned into a bad ass dance remix, too.
Break the Ice: The intro to this song is Britney talking, and it sounds like it should be the voiceover to a really bad porn. I had to consult Wikipedia to find out why her heart was “beating like an 808” in this song. Apparently an 808 is a drum machine. BRITNEY SPEARS HAS TAUGHT ME SOMETHING. The porn I mentioned earlier? It should be about space aliens and robots doing it, because that’s kinda what this sounds like.
Get Naked (I Got A Plan): Ooh, boy. The title of this song is super awesome, no? “Baby, I’m a freak and I don’t really give a damn / I’m crazy as a mother fucker” Except I can’t tell if she’s really saying mother fucker. I may have just wanted to hear it. She says “get naked” 20 times. I counted. Also almost five minutes long. I got bored again.
This time I need a soldier, I’m sick of toy soldiers” I’m a fan of the cadence-y drumbeat they used in the background, and would totally listen to it over and over if they took all the voice tracks out.
Hot as Ice: “If you’ve ever been to heaven, this is twice as nice”. Um. Also: “To see your foolishness and fuckery” – but I think I must have downloaded Britney must have given me the edited version. At least I hope so, because I love Britney’s dirty mouth. The whole cold as fire and hot as ice thing is not as cute as I thinks he wanted it to be.
Ooh Ooh Baby: She starts giggling in the first 10 seconds of this song, but it sounds more like the Pillsbury doughboy’s giggle instead of something that I want to listen to before I hear a trashy song sang by a trashy pop artist. “I can feel you on my lips/ I can feel you deep inside” – this song’s totally about filming a porn.
Perfect Lover: Another porn song. See, I know she just wants to make a song that’s all HOT and stuff, but she can’t because she’s Britney Spears. She’s trashy and crazy and stupid and that automatically makes anything she sings NOT HOT. There’s some lines about a bumper and a chump, but I’m not sure what they say. I’m sure they’re dirty, though, and I don’t want that visual in my head.
Why Should I Be Sad: Oh man. It’s a sad song about how she got married and didn’t realize what she was getting herself into. “Why should I be sad, heaven knows / From the stupid freakin’ things that you do” – dirty mouth, I tell you. She should be sad because her career is pretty much going to go to shit, and I’m not sure how the hell she’s going to make a comeback of any kind. I’M JUST SAYIN’.
There. You’re welcome. Don’t buy the CD. There’s maybe one good song in the whole thing if you combine all 12 songs together.