stitch n’ pitch and then i bitch

Yesterday was Stitch n’ Pitch at the Metrodome. I had no intentions whatsoever in stitching anything during the game, but my homies were going to a Twins game, so of course I was going to go. Little did I realize some thread and a needle would have been handy during the game to actually stitch some peoples mouths shut and their butts to their seats. And trust me, if you look at the button I sewed onto my camouflage shorts, you don’t want me anywhere near you with a needle and some thread.

Based on my observations from yesterday’s game, I realized the following (man, this is like a science experiment):

• Knitters under the age of 25 love Joe Mauer almost as much as they love sewing shit or whatever it is they do with their yarn and sticks.
• Cross-stitching only seemed awesome after Cindi told my I could cross-stitch bad words; a puppy hiding in some grass doesn’t seem as fun as “Home Sweet Fucking Home”.
• Husbands of knitters are used to getting poked in the head with knitting sticks, according to the guy sitting in front of Cindi.
• The people that were doing the stitching while Matty Garza was doing the pitching? They really wanted to be on TV and/or the JumboTron. A lot.

That being said, the Twins played like crap yesterday. Their infield made some horrible throws, and when they weren’t overthrowing first base, the first baseman (who will remain nameless Justin Morneau) seems to forget that he can move to his right to stop a ground ball. One incredible dive for the ball by Jason Kubel should have been inspiring for the rest of the team to get their uniforms dirty, but they weren’t really thinking along those same lines.

I’m gonna need Terry Ryan to pull his head out of the sand and get some shuffling going on to the Twins lineup. At this point, I don’t even care who it is because anyone could inspire the lineup that played yesterday to try a little harder and do a little better.