i’m gonna open a card shop

Every single holiday I always get completely bent out of shape when shopping for cards. Christmas, Anniversary, Birthday, gettin’ knocked up, whatever – the trips of me going into a store and finding the perfect card for the person and/or occasion are few and far between. For example, let’s relive my creative card giving when it came to my cousin’s wedding anniversary last year. I refused to get my cousin and her awesome husband anything that related to love and happiness and forever and snuggling, because that’s not me. At all. Happy Jewish Holiday and here is a free taco coupon? That’s totally me.

I went to a Hallmark store today after my dentist appointment. My reasons were two-fold – I needed retail therapy, especially since all of those X-Rays and poking at my gums were FREE thanks to my lovely dental insurance, and because, well, Father’s Day is coming up. People I needed to buy for: my dad, my grandpa, and my uncle. None of these men would think a card that said “Dad, you’ve inspired me to do amazing things” was really from me.

I found one for my dad that had a swear word on it, and my grandpa thinks any card with a dog doing some deranged drink is entertaining, but still! I just got lucky finding those two! For Mother’s Day, it was the same thing. I had people I wanted to send cards to that weren’t necessarily my mom, but the store had maybe three options, all of which made me want to gag more than watching a Summer’s Eve douche commercial.

See, if I’m at a card store, I might as well buy cards for other occasions. I wanted to get a couple of “It was fun hanging out with you!” cards, but was that possible? No. Hallmark wanted me to buy cards that said things like “I wish we could snuggle again” and “Time spent with you is like time spent with an angel”. I may have made both of those up right now, but you get the idea.

And those two fabricated cards in the previous paragraph should earn a job on the damn payroll at Hallmark. I’m just sayin’.

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