two dolla

i’m gonna open a card shop

Every single holiday I always get completely bent out of shape when shopping for cards. Christmas, Anniversary, Birthday, gettin’ knocked up, whatever – the trips of me going into a store and finding the perfect card for the person and/or occasion are few and far between. For example, let’s relive my creative card giving when it came to my cousin’s wedding anniversary last year. I refused to get my cousin and her awesome husband anything that related to love and happiness and forever and snuggling, because that’s not me. At all. Happy Jewish Holiday and here is a free taco coupon? That’s totally me.

I went to a Hallmark store today after my dentist appointment. My reasons were two-fold – I needed retail therapy, especially since all of those X-Rays and poking at my gums were FREE thanks to my lovely dental insurance, and because, well, Father’s Day is coming up. People I needed to buy for: my dad, my grandpa, and my uncle. None of these men would think a card that said “Dad, you’ve inspired me to do amazing things” was really from me.

I found one for my dad that had a swear word on it, and my grandpa thinks any card with a dog doing some deranged drink is entertaining, but still! I just got lucky finding those two! For Mother’s Day, it was the same thing. I had people I wanted to send cards to that weren’t necessarily my mom, but the store had maybe three options, all of which made me want to gag more than watching a Summer’s Eve douche commercial.

See, if I’m at a card store, I might as well buy cards for other occasions. I wanted to get a couple of “It was fun hanging out with you!” cards, but was that possible? No. Hallmark wanted me to buy cards that said things like “I wish we could snuggle again” and “Time spent with you is like time spent with an angel”. I may have made both of those up right now, but you get the idea.

And those two fabricated cards in the previous paragraph should earn a job on the damn payroll at Hallmark. I’m just sayin’.

my day at the dentist

I went to the dentist today. The last time I was there, I’ve decided, was probably in a different decade and I’m thinking I probably wasn’t even of legal drinking age yet. Don’t lecture me, because I know it was stupid and lecturing me doesn’t fix anything, which is exactly what I told someone at the dentist’s office I called before I settled on the one I saw today.

I had to fill out some forms beforehand. One form looked like this:

What do you like most about your smile?
What do you dislike most about your smile?

My answers looked like this:

What do you like most about your smile? everything
What do you dislike most about your smile? nothing

I wasn’t trying to be cocky, but it’s the truth, dammit! I filled out a ton of other forms and then got called into the chair by Heidi, who would soon become the best dental hygienist in the world. She took five billion X-rays and cleaned my teeth, which turned out to be only slightly painful, but completely worth it.

And then the bad news came in with the dentist, who will now be my dentist. I need my wisdom teeth pulled. Only the bottom two are causing problems, but they’re causing problems like jabbing into my other teeth, causing cavities there, and putting me in so much pain that I have to take Tylenol PM every night just to sleep.

My top two wisdom teeth can stay in if I want them to stay in, but the dentist said I may as well get my money’s worth when they knock me out and get all four ripped out at once. I think I might do that, too.

I’m a little okay, a lot nervous about the whole thing, because it’s been over 20 years since the last time I got knocked out. And then my parents took me home and I got to eat popsicles for the next week.

I need some wisdom teeth advice, I think. I know it’s not the same for everyone, but at least I’ll have an idea of what to expect. Were you functional the day after you had them pulled? My dentist said he went out the night he got his done and while that would be ideal, I have a feeling that might not always be the case. I just don’t want to waste vacation or sick time on actually being sick. That’s boring.

Apparently I also have to find someone to drive me there and drive me home. My dad suggested Riley and I might see if I can teach him how to drive before I schedule my appointment.