It’s girls’ night, Paula Abdul is missing, and Ryan has on a turtleneck. Less than one minute into the show and I’m rolling my eyes already. I bitch an awful lot about a show that I can’t miss multiple times a week. We said bye-bye to Alaina Alexander and Leslie Hunt last week, and for those playing at home, I actually guessed one of those right.
Two minutes into the show and Randy Jackson is making comments about Paula being under the table. This could be a long hour.
Jordin Sparks – Heartbreaker – She’s a huge football fan, which makes sense since her dad was a professional football player. Man, she’s good. I try not to get too excited about people (with the exception of Clay Aiken) early in the game, because then I just get angry when they don’t get votes and you know the drill. And I hate it that I like a 17 year old this much. Most 17 year olds should be locked up in a dark cave until they have a job and can pay their own car insurance. Or something.
Randy thought she was better than every guy performance from last night. Paula says she’s “exploding into her own artistry” – pure prose, I tell ya, from that one. Simon calls it a bit manic and a bit shrieky, which apparently means the same as sharp.
Sabrina Sloan – Don’t Let Go – They play some cheesy high school video as her “secret” – something about the next Katie Couric. I always forget that Sabrina’s even in the competition. I thought she was singing “rump shakin'”, but it was really soul shaking. It’s too bad, because my version was funnier. She’s kinda plain, even though she does have an amazing voice.
Randy thought it was good, but not her best. Paula says she can “sing, sing, sing”. Simon says she’s a great singer, but thinks she lacks emotion in her singing. I totally agree with Simon and that’s the point I was trying to get across above. I love that he and I are on the same wavelengths a lot of the time. He’s just more creative with his words, which I appreciate.
Skankytown Antonella Barba – Put Your Records On – She plays the violin. I bet I know what she does with that bow, you know what I’m sayin’? HEY-OH! Hey, I played the trumpet and stuff, so I may not be such a good judge at singing, but is she out of tune a lot? And does she look like a hooker a lot? Man, why do I hate her a lot?
Randy calls it pitchy and just an okay performance. Paula thinks she should watch out for her bottom notes. Simon says he’s impressed with the way she’s handled herself with the media attention she’s getting, but also says he thinks she’s gone as far as she can at this point.
I love how she cops an attitude with the judges and Ryan and everyone else, because being a crabby whoreface is gonna get you votes, Sugar Tits.
Haley Scarnato – If My Heart Had Wings – Anyone that can sing Faith Hill and not butcher it is a winner in my book. I think she’s super cute and did a super cute job. Yay!
Randy calls it an interesting song choice at this point in the competition, but says it didn’t have any pizazz or wow or “Yo”. Paula said the song was good for her, and Simon says he can’t remember her name. He says that she doesn’t stand out enough for him. Ryan tries to get Haley to argue with the judges, but she’s more mature than Ryan only spars for a bit. Thankfully, because I’m kind of tired of the shit they pull into this to try to use the whole hour.
Stephanie Edwards – Sweet Thing – We get to see old movies of Stephanie singing as a kid, and she says she used to be really shy. Me too, Stephanie, me too. She’s so so good.
Randy gives her an A for effort, even though effort starts with E. Paula thought she was darn near flawless and was dancing during the entire thing. I wish MC Scat Cat would dance with her sometimes. Simon calls her one of the best there, but that she tends to go a little bit copycat when she performs.
Lakisha Jones – I Have Nothing – Ryan looked more comfortable when he was hugging Chris Sligh last night than he did with Lakisha. But apparently her secret bit of information is that she’s scared of dogs. Hey, me too, Lakisha. Get a 70 lb dog. That’ll knock the fear right outta ya. You know how they tell people not to sing Whitney songs, because they’re not good enough to sing them? Does not apply to Lakisha at all. At all. I love that she has this enormous voice and can control it so well.
Randy says it may not have been her best, but it was still great. Paula is drunk, I think, and I guess loves her. Simon says she brought passion, talent, believability, and says she looks beautiful.
Gina Glocksen – Call Me When You’re Sober – She has lucky charms, not the cereal. One is a troll and one is a stuffed pickle. Man, this song got way too much radio play around here, so I’m super sick of it. She’s definitely bringing her edge back that Simon’s been complaining about the past couple of weeks, and she’s definitely bringing something that I’ve never seen on the show, at least with the girls on the show. This song makes me want to apologize to all of my friends that I never call/text when I’m sober – um, sorry, guys!
Randy says the real Gina comes out, but loved it and tells her to keep the “yo” going. Paula completely agrees, and tells her to watch the oversinging. Simon says it’s the first time she’s looked comfortable, and really hopes she makes it through to next week.
Melinda Doolittle – I’m a Woman – She’s OCD by admission. I love her even more now. Remember when I said I was into the whole blues thing right now? Yeah, I’m loving her performance right now. It seemed simple for her.
Randy says she’s ready to go into the studio now. Paula calls her likable and loveable and says something about a rabbit in her hat. Seriously. Simon calls her a little tiger, which makes everyone feel uncomfortable. He loved her performance, and says it’s nice she’s enjoying every second she’s having on the show.
Going home? the New Jersey Street Whore and… man, I guess Haley.