the celebration of 39 years for me

I’m 39. It feels the same as 26 (the year after my car insurance got cheaper) through 38. Wait. That whole 39 thing might explain why I had to refer back to Twitter to piece this whole post together.

On the 17th, the day prior to my non-monumental birthday, I had the day off from work thanks to an awesome new benefit we rolled out at my work last month. Everyone gets their birthday off and still gets paid. I felt so much like Oprah when I got to announce that to 500+ people, even if I about two seconds from peeing my pants out of straight up nervousness while on stage.

With daycare already covered for the day, Amelia and I had total freedom of the need to talk about farts and cookies, hearing about Mickey Mouse Roadsters Racers and not having to refrain from saying bad words. We opted for breakfast first, at a place that didn’t serve pancakes with a smile made out of Cool Whip. It was so quiet. I didn’t have to lie to anyone about my phone not being charged or prevent anyone from trying to shove their Crayon down their straw.

And then, because I effin’ love mini-golf, we went to Can Can Wonderland. IT. WAS. AMAZING. Go. Go now. We were there at 10:15am because we like to party and got in pretty quick without any waiting at all. It was 18 holes of amazing work by artists that cannot possibly be beat in any other mini golf course that I’ve ever seen in my life. They have a pretty awesome bar selection, but I couldn’t convince myself to drink a cocktail called “Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!” that included cream cheese frosting syrup, birthday cake vodka, milk, sprinklers, sparklers and poppers. But that’s just because it was before noon. (I have some great pictures and feel like I owe it a much better review.)

Our next stop was going to be IKEA, but that plan came to a halt when I happened to look at Instagram and noticed another credit union released their third clue to find a hidden hockey puck that’s worth $1000. We did what we could to figure out the third clue and spent about an hour hunting through A Place but we didn’t turn anything up. There was another clue that was released yesterday and I really want to go back, but I have a feeling Toddler McCrazyTown isn’t going to be very helpful in our search.

IKEA came next. We had no list of things to buy to fill up our large SUV. We wanted to walk around all three floors without being in any hurry at all. We could look at any MYSINGSÖ or CHOKLADKROKANT BREDBAR we wanted to. (Totally real product names by the way. The second one had an allergy recall due to undeclared hazelnuts, so watch out, you guys.)

We stopped by Sonic because we never go to Sonic.

And then we went to the St. Paul location of I Like You because I wanted really, really badly to buy an All Are Welcome Here sign for our front yard. Midway through browsing the whole store, we got a text from daycare that someone we’re responsible for had a 101 fever. Childless birthday celebration: over.

We went to pick the little guy up and he looked like he’d been hit by a Mack truck. His daycare provider thought he might be coming down with something when it was nap time and he didn’t try to roll his sleeping bag back up and put it on the closet. Pretty much confirmed it for her when he didn’t want to get up for snack the second she started making it. Apparently he’s the first to wake up and the first to get a seat at the snack table. (Not my kid. At all.)

Our daycare lady (WHO IS TRULY INCREDIBLE) said they just know when you’re out doing something fun without them. Totally believe her.

Still one of the best birthdays I have ever had and I’m pretty excited that I get the opportunity to do something like this every year with this benefit.

I’d write about my actual birthday (the 18th), but it would include details like a trip to the Urgency Room with the aforementioned toddler’s 103 degree fever, projectile vomiting after chugging a juice box the nurse gave him, and ramming as many vinyl gloves as I could fit in my pocket. Life goals at 39, you guys, and I’m totally cool with them.

you can’t go wrong with an afternoon with the globetrotters

True story: We worked really, really, really hard not to shove sports in our two year old’s face. He didn’t have much of a choice about basketball, since he’s been using his season tickets to the Minnesota Lynx since he was six months old. Since then, we took him to a soccer class(?), which he loved, and he’s learned football by playing with his daycare provider’s youngest son a few times a week. He also knows hockey. I don’t know from where, because I’m not a native Minnesotan and haven’t been keeping tabs on hockey as much as I used to. It’s sports, sports, cars, sports, sports, Mickey Mouse at our house with this kid. It’s hilarious.

The Lynx don’t start again for a few months and I’m personally going through basketball withdrawl. I think Oz is too, because he’s started asking to watch NBA basketball when he sees their logos pop up on the cable menu on the TV. That’s when I found out the Globetrotters are coming to town!

I also found out any of you can save 25% for ALL Harlem Globetrotters Games with promo code FUNFAM at They’re here in Minnesota April 12 (St. Cloud), April 13 (Duluth), April 14 (Rochester) and twice on April 15 (Minneapolis). All of the old school players that were playing when I was a kid are long retired, but I’m pretty excited they have female players on the team nowadays.

I would totally insert the picture I have of my friend Angie and I posing with one of the Globetrotters from, like, 1992 except I can’t find it. That’s a shame, because I’m sure our outfits were on point with the early 90s.

turns out i’m not good at challenges

I used to be great at challenges. I mean, I shaved my head because I hit a $5000 fundraising challenge 10+ years ago. I drank 10 shots of flaming alcohol in one night because the server told me I could keep ordering them as long as I could still say the name of the shot: ROCKET FUEL. Notice my future wife happens to be on a date the first night we actually met: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

And now… not so much. Write 30 days in a row? Nope. I thought about writing every day, though. Post a picture every day for a year? Nuh uh. But I have been taking them every day.

Anyway, there’s always the 101 things in 1001 days list that I always tinker around with. It’s not a challenge, but more of a to-do list. Come to think of it, I’m not so good at those either. The last check in was mid-December and 14 out of the 101 things had been crossed off as complete. It’s been three months and I have no idea what, if anything, has changed.

Here’s the massive list in its entirety.

3. Read at least one book, on average, every month of this project. I’m at 22 books read out of my goal of 33 books by the end of this project. So close to nailing this one if I could just finish up the last 20% of this crappy business-type book that I can’t make myself finish. But when I’ve started a book, I have to finish it so I can put it on this damn list.

18. Make two things from Pinterest. I built our firepit this summer and let’s not forget the stupid calm down jar that has now been taken away for good because he somehow caused it to leak.

19. Go out with friends in some fashion at least once a month. 2017 is not off to a very social start. In January, I hung out with co-workers a couple of times at happy hours, which I’m counting because a) I have cool co-workers and 2) it still counts as socializing. My February social time was also work-related, but food and drinks with co-workers while setting up for a massive event was super great. We also went to a Valentine’s Day party hosted by the Family Equality Council. For my sanity and somewhat extroverted self, I need to do better on this guy.

20. Date night with my wife at least once a month. We saw a movie in the theater for the first time since the last Hunger Games movie in January. It was glorious. We also had brunch one morning before we had a doctor’s appointment. Twice in one month! Zero in February.

81. Complete the 365 Photo Project. I’m still going at over 70 days into the year. They’re just sitting on my phone, so I need to figure out a better way to upload them on time and also a way to organize them. I think it’d be cool to print them all out in a tiny book when I’m done just to see my progress on something tangible.

That’s it. That’s all I got. I feel like some of these could be self care related. I need to keep that in mind.

he’s a man with a plan 

Me: What do you want to do today?

Oz: Robby’s. (That’s his clearly awesome daycare person.)

Me: We can’t. She’s sick and it’s Saturday. 

Oz: Okay. Target. Target. Target. 

Little does he know that urgent care is our first stop on today’s list. The three grown ups that he spends the most time around have all been diagnosed with strep throat in the last 10 days. He slept for 14 hours last night and had a 101 degree fever for most of the night. 
But he did ask for a second waffle this morning and was sure to let me know that the noise that just came from his butt was a fart and not poop. 
Parents get a bonus check at the end of every year, right? I mean, it doesn’t necessarily need to be performance based or anything. Just like something like, “hey, nice effort, pal!” I’d accept a certificate as well. 

mommyblogging about my pinterest project


I’m not kidding anyone with this, am I? The only Pinterest board I have for my blurry toddler is one with witty t-shirts that I’m certain he needs and some thing where you take a ton of empty toilet paper tubes and shove Matchbox cars in them. Pinterest has helped me realize my limitations on all things considered “do it yourself”, because it usually ends up being a “do it yourself” with your wife jumping into help because you keep using very LOUD WORDS that aren’t appropriate for neighbors or young ears.

Oh, well, not tonight, friends. I made this kid what all the cool moms call a “calm down bottle”.

Do you know how hard it is to find glitter glue? Apparently the cool thing to do with glue is to make slime (?), so neither Walgreen’s or Target had glitter glue. GLITTER GLUE. When I was in school, you got one glue – white Elmer’s glue. And you know what you did with it? Ate it. Or put it all over your hands, let it dry and peel it off to freak out your little brother.

We finally went to Wal-Mart tonight to get all the crap we needed for this magical tool that internet mommies have very strong opinions about. I hate craft sections and craft stores, okay? Michael and JoAnn are no friends of mine, even if they do have ridiculous coupons all the time. They smell like pine cones and I’m always scared I’ll walk out of there covered in glitter and buying pinking shears and I don’t even know what those are used for.

And then, by golly gee wiliker, we needed a bottle of some nature to put this nonsense in, so we stopped by the gas station to get some plastic bottles of ARTESIAN WATER FROM NORWAY.  Only the best for our little Norwegian-named baby, you know?

(Also, some parents put these things in glass bottles. Why in the holy hell would you give a kid that needs a CALM DOWN BOTTLE something that’s made out of GLASS? I hope you enjoy your hipster mason jar before it gets shattered on your beautiful engineered wood floors. If you’re reading this and you made one of these out of glass, I didn’t mean you.)

Here’s what you buy:

  • Glitter glue
  • Extra glitter (also known as the herpes of the craft world)
  • Empty bottle of some sort to put this stuff in
  • Water
  • Food coloring

Here’s what you do:

  • Pour 3 ounces of glitter glue in your water bottle
  • Keep your toddler from throwing the glitter all over the house
  • Convince him to help squeeze the glue long enough to capture this special moment
  • Pour some warm water to the top
  • Add some glitter
  • Add some food coloring
  • Show your toddler and he’s all “WOW”!
  • Shake it up for him and ask him to do the rest
  • Watch him shake it for 30 seconds
  • Watch him throw it at an adult’s face
  • Take it away
  • Give it back
  • Stop him from trying to stand on it
  • Take it away again

I now resign from my position at mommyblogging pinteresting without a two week notice. Another two weeks of this and I might super glue this kid to the ceiling fan for funsies.